Confessions of a Grad School Slave

Its so hard to say good-bye....

2007-03-25T12:44:00.000-04:00

After much thought and consideration, I've decided to put Confessions of a Grad School Slave to rest. Its been great keeping this blog, and a lot has happened in 3 years.

Now that I'm in a new place in my life wit a new mindset, I'm now blogging in a new place. Please visit my new blog, Searching for Satisfaction, at http://blackgirlunlost.blogspot.com

Thanks to everyone who has read and left great comments, I really appreciate it. I hope you all enjoy reading all about my new drama on my new blog.

Happy trails everyone...

Maybe its time for a change?

2007-03-19T20:31:00.000-04:00

I've been contemplating ending this blog and getting another. Why? Because in the three years that I've been writing in this blog, my life has changed drastically. I'm not the stressed out grad student trying to balance school with fun in ATL. Now I'm a grownup in Wackville with a real job and host of other problems. Looking back at the beginning of this blog, a lot has changed, and I think that I'm ready to start fresh, with a new perspective, new thoughts, and new topics.

Any thoughts?

2007-03-19T14:13:00.000-04:00

Its official: I am no longer the party girl I once was; I have officially matured and slowed down. This change wasn't by choice, as seen by previous blog postings, but now I enjoy the slower pace and lower frequency of the party lifestyle I once led.

So how did I come to such a conclusion? Well, an old friend, KR, called last week and said he wanted to come kick it with me in Orlando. KR and I met when I was 20 and in full party girl mode. We've had a lot of fun over the years, doing lots of partying and having good times. He hung out last week, and I realized that he doesn't know the new mature, grownup with a real job Jubi, he knows the old party all the time and kick it with the homies Jubi. I hadn't even noticed the change myself, until last week and I simply wasn't in the mood (and didn't have the energy) to kick it like I used to.

I complain about moving to Orlando (or the capital of Wackville as I like to call it) but it has helped me to let go of my party days. Granted, I was forced into retirement, but as I look back, I've definitely had my fair share of partying, and then some. I have fond memories of the fun times with the homies, and I'm looking forward to more in the future. But instead of it being an every weekend occurance, its now more like a once and quarter or twice a year kinda thing. The rest of the time, I just want to chill, relax and enjoy people's company, without being out and wild and crazy.

2007-03-05T10:01:00.000-05:00

Saturday I went to my first Omega probate in about 5 years. Very interesting show. First, it didn't happen on campus, but instead at the location of the afterparty. Of course, it started an hour after it was supposed to. And it had been raining off and on that day, and it started raining while we were waiting for the show. But the most surprising aspect of the show was the length. It was probably only 10 - 15 minutes, and basically comprised of the solo singing Omega songs and then hopping once he was unveiled.

I wasn't planning on sticking around for the afterparty, but an Omega friend threw an armband on me, so I went instead for a few minutes with another soror. Inside was very ineventful, except for the girls who were giving out free lapdances. Basically, with all they were doing, they should have been on somebody's stage in a G-string working for $1 bills. Maybe I'm getting old, but seeing young women behave like that for a room full of men (who are known for being more "hands on" than the average fraternity man) was just disheartening. I guess I was expecting better, but I didn't see it.

Spent Sunday with P....Nice day. And I spent my Sunday morning consoling a friend. Its starting to get old though, cause I keep saying the same stuff, and I think its going in one ear and out the other. I don't enjoy being a broken record.

Tax refund should be here on Friday, and I can't wait...That money is going to bills.

Things I miss about undergrad/grad school...

2007-03-01T20:25:00.000-05:00

-Parties...especially Alpha parties. They were always THE party to attend at the U. You simply couldn't miss an Alpha party, because it was always a guaranteed good time. You got your absolute cuteness and spent the nice dancing and flirting.

-Life in the dorms...especially freshman year. I spent an insane amount of time kicking it in E's room since her roommate moved out. We'd watch "The Temptations" and "The Five Heartbeats" a million times. And then there was the times we'd kick it with the other homies at Territorial, Sanford, and Comstock...

-Meals in the cafeteria...not having to cook or clean up the kitchen? That was the greatest! Variety, and on the weekends there were the best made to order omelettes. And when in doubt, it was all about the waffle stations.

-That laid-back schedule....Even though 8AM classes were a drag, for the most part, your time is your own when you're in college. Do you REALLY have to go to class? Nope, unless its a lab or something where attendance is mandatory. Unless you had a job, you could do whatever the hell you wanted with your time. Chill in the Student Center all day, sleep all day, or sit around and do nothing...

-Being able to stay up all night cause you don't have to be anywhere early in the morning...Self explanatory.

-Road trips....Man, the memories...Hopping in the car and chilling with your folks, just being stupid and having fun. Being somewhere else and letting loose.

-Hitting the club with your friends on the weekend...This especially got to be more fun when we all hit 21....We'd head downtown and just have a ball

-Chillin at APEXES...I worked there all 4 years of college along with my friends, and it was a hangout spot for everyone. Just chill in between classes or come do homework, or eat, or even sleep underneath the conference table...So much of my college career happened there...Great conversations, last minute homework and projects, discussions of everyone's love life, everything...If the walls in there could talk, they'd tell all my business.....

-Soul Food Fridays....BSU and African American Learning Resource Center used to hook it up...The food from Lucille's is always the best.

-Living in the Melrose junior year...that was an experience and the Melrose was definitely an interesting place to live....Good and bad times in that place...

-Thursday night trivia with the first years....grad school is rough on your nerves, but hitting the bar for food, drinks and trivia with my classmates was always a great stress reliever....We spent way too much of our stipends on liquor....

-Tech's exhibition step show...always a fun time to see who's gonna come prepared and who's gonna suck...

-Chillin with the sorors in Atlanta...Always a good time...they made me feel like family from the moment I arrived.

February's over already?

2007-02-28T11:32:00.000-05:00

Where oh where did the month go? I swear just yesterday was the beginning of January, and now here we are in March (practically)...The days keep on flying by.

Let's start with good news for a change (instead of me just venting about my problems). This time of year is known as "merit time" in my company, because its when all the raises have been finalized and folks get to see how much their checks will go up. For the record, raises used to go into effect in December, but they had a problem with folks taking the extra money for Christmas presents and then bouncing after the first of the year. So now we get our raises in March....But I digress. Last week everyone's manager came around with the envelopes with the numbers in them. I wasn't expecting a raise at all, since I only started 6 months ago. Well, I got an envelope, and it had a number on it...That's right folks, Jubi got a 3.4% raise, after only 6 months on the job. I was very happy, mostly cause I need the money!

I've also heard through the gossip grapevine that my immediate supervisor (who in my opinion does absolutely nothing) is going to retire at the end of the year. I really want his job because it will be a stepping stone to the position I really want, which is manager of all the labs. At the same time, the gossip grapevine also says that they want my cubemate to take the positon. And I actually wouldn't be upset if she got it. She's been here almost 4 years, with no promotions and only 1 raise. She works really hard and she deserves it.

I had a mini-vacation this past weekend; I flew up to Charlotte and hung out with my friend Q. I had a really good time and it was a lot of fun. I hadn't been to Charlotte since sophmore year of high school, and it was interesting to see how much the city has changed. Did some shopping, ate some good food, and visited the Levine Museum of the New South (its all about the history of Charlotte from the Civil War to the present.) They also had an pictorial exhibit following families in the area who practice Judaism, Christianity, and Islam. It was interesting to see how many similarities there are between the groups, and how even folks within the same religion practice it differently. If you're in Charlotte anytime soon, you should check it out.

Sunday I got stuck in Charlotte's airport all day and it took me all day to get home. I have never been so happy to see my apartment. And please folks, keep your bad ass screaming children off airplanes. At least drug them up with some Benadryl or something...

Oh, and I finally joined a new gym. Planet Fitness...I like it, its cheap, and it has all the stuff that I need right now..Perfect. And I've been getting up at 5 AM and heading the gym before work...I'm so proud of myself.

Oh, and its (semi) official...I got dissed. And dissed hard too. I wonder why?

I think I got dissed....

2007-02-20T17:55:00.000-05:00

Someone that I used to talk to a lot has suddenly stopped talking to me...No phone calls or im's or anything. Very curious...I was hurt for about half a second, literally, and then I just chalked it up to the game and called it a day. That's some growth for ya, just a few months ago I would have cried my eyes out over it. Now, not so much....

I was good friend today. I let someone that I'm interested in vent to me about their ex, who they are still in love with. And I actually gave good, not selfish advice. Even though I want this person for myself, I think they need some time to get themselves together and deal with the breakup with no distractions, which includes no Jubi, since I'm a distraction (but a good distraction).

I'm going to Charlotte this weekend to kick it with a homie...I hope I have a good time this weekend.

Oh, and today was tour day for the students we mentor at work. I gave a bunch of presentations in my lab and had a great time with the kids. And apparently I'm cool cause they said I was their favorite...

2007-02-08T21:00:00.000-05:00

I'm over my breakdown. I got my shit together....well, sort of. I'm together enough to know two things: that I need the help of a profesional and that I need to get that help without a lot of distractions. So I'm going to therapy, and I'm on a man fast, more specifically, a sex fast. That's otherwise known as celibacy. I'm not sure that I even want to date, mostly cause I'm afraid it will be a slippery slope...You know, you meet a guy, he's really nice and sweet, and the next thing you know you're having hot sex...Yeah, I don't want to go down that slope, at all. So that's the plan folks, therapy and no sex....Hell, it might even be no dates...Or maybe not, cause it took me this long to get folks to finally ask me out in Orlando...So no sex and lots of touchy-feely therapy to help me gt my life together. That's a plan, right?

Self-reflection time....

2007-02-06T22:45:00.000-05:00

Tonight I got a real bad case of the sad and lonelies. And then I burst into tears, and I cried for a long time...I started thinking about how much I truly hate being seen as just a sexual object, and how I think that I'm "undateable" and "unmarriable" because I'm too "sexy"....And those thoughts led me to others, like about my past.

I've always thought of myself as someone who didn't live with regrets...My motto was "every experience is a learning experience", and I really believed that for a long time. But now...my mind is full of things that I've done that I'm not proud of, and I don't like that part of myself. I know where a lot of it stems from, from low self-esteem and the trauma of being raped, but I fear that I'll never get myself out of this stupid cycle. I don't want to be a sex object, I want to be seen for the other great aspects of me...I want someone to say "that's the kind of chick I can love, or settle down with"...and I'm afraid that with my current image, I'll never get that....

Or maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself and being a loser...who knows...

Is rehab the cure for everything?

2007-02-06T10:01:00.000-05:00

The past few months have been filled with all kinds of great celebrity scandals...the kind of things that keep the Enquirer in print and People magazine somewhat respectable to read. All these scandals have had 1 thing in common: the offender gets sent off to rehab. You're probably thinking, maybe its just coincidence, but let's think about this....Anyone who's doing something stupid can just say "I'm going to rehab!" and can just put the crap behind them. Case in point: Miss USA...she starts partying all the time, while she's underage, and her reason is what? "I was sad and lonely and was turning to alcohol and drugs." Yeah, cause you looked so sad in those horrible pictures of you wasted and high. Then there's the mayor of San Francisco, who had an affair with his campaign manager's wife, and it wasn't even recent! Answer: go to rehab, cause everyone knows that rehab can help you get over the urge to screw your employee's wife. Then of course, there's my personal favorite: sending someone to rehab for calling someone a fag...I hope that's not a law or something, cause if it is, it looks like I'm off to rehab. That's gotta be the dumbest thing ever, rehab cause of a word. Does rehab teach you to not say the word? Is your rehab effective if you just think it but don't say it?

I'm predicting rehab is gonna be the answer in the case of the crazy ass NASA astronaut...Clearly she is not in control of all her faculties....Who decides to kidnap the girlfriend of their boyfriend (who you happen to be cheating on your husband with)? That's not a decision that sane people make...And while we're on the subject of cheating, why does the cheater always expect their side person to be monogamous? Its like they can fathom that their cheat buddy would actually cheat on them....

Me? Oh, I'm cool...Just working for THE MAN and trying to be cute...Got some dates lined up, good times. And I think I'm going to Atlanta at the end of March....

Let's talk about....

2007-01-31T09:13:00.000-05:00

RACE.

I'm sure you're probably saying "Why is Jubi announcing the topic like she doesn't discuss race all the time?" Well, the reason is because I want to have a talk with my minority people, specifically my Black people...Let's chat.

First, let me say that race has always been a large part of my life. I always knew about my people, my history, and how other groups of people (including THE MAN) viewed me. I've never looked at the world, especially America, as a meritocracy.

But at the same time, I've never walked around with a race chip on my shoulder either. And unfortunately, a lot of minorities do. Something bad happens to you, and you assume that its cause of your color, when that's not always the cause. Someone gets a raw deal, and you immediately scream "RACIST!" when it may not be that way. You get all up in arms over something, when race wasn't even a factor.

I'm prompted to write this because of all the hoopla over a young man who is serving a 10 year sentence in GA for statutory rape. Now there are all these emails circulating, petitions being drawn up, and outcries of how this "poor young man" got shafted by the system. But is it the entire story? Let's see....Well, he not only had sex with a 15 year old girl, which is under the age of consent, but he VIDEOTAPED it. If you're gonna break the law, don't make a record of it for the world to see. He had countless opportunities to take a plea bargain, but was so confident that he would be acquitted that he passed on them all. Now I'm supposed to concerned because you were punished for breaking the law? NOPE!

I know I'm rambling, so I'm going to make my point. And the point is: Just because we're of the same race, that doesn't mean that I have to ride for you anytime something happens to you. The events of your life are of your own doing, and you have to be responsible for that. You can't scream "racism" everything something doesn't go your way and expect all the Black people to suddenly rescue you. Its called PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY and you need to have it and use it. When you use the word "racist" to apply to everything bad in your life, you're like the kid who cried wolf...and when you really do have an actual situation of racist behavior, no one will believe you or come to your aid.

Thicker skin people, and personal responsiblity...2 things that you need to have.

2007-01-30T08:41:00.000-05:00

You know, sometimes I wish blogger had more fonts....I feel restricted with such few fonts to choose from....

This weekend we continued with Jubi's hair experiment (also known as Hair Growth Challenge '07 - ok, maybe its not known as that, but it should be from now on...). I decided that I needed more versatility with my hair, so I decided to ditch my fabulous red hair and go to chocolate brown. I didn't want to dye it permanently, so I used a rinse (Clairol's Beautiful Collections in darkest brown to be exact). The colors came out amazing...The dark brown laid on top of my faded red in the best way, and I love my new dark hair. I'm in love with my hair all over again. I also relaxed with ORS no-lye, and once again loved the results. I also hit the beauty supply and picked up some more supplies, and my first hair accessories - a braided bun and a drawstring ponytail, which is very cute on me. So far I've been moisturizing with ORS olive oil lotion and sealing with IC PM nighttime oil with good results. I think tonight I'll use some Sulfur 8 on my scalp, it feels a little itchy and tight.

I've also lost another pound, for a total loss of 6.4 pounds. I'm happy about that, but I want to accelerate my weight loss. I think that now that I know I can lose a pound or two a week with eating cheese fries, I want to eat even better and get off the couch more so that I can see those 4 and 5 pound loss weeks.

Since I now have cute hair and I'm (slowly) slimming down, its given my confidence a boost...And it definitely showed this week. For some reason I was a man magnet this weekend, and have added 2 potential recruits to the group...Very cute recruits at that...

I'm still trying to find a side hustle, I need more money.

Remember that great weekend I spent in Miami? Well, I'm not having many warm fuzzy feelings for CG anymore...he really pissed me off after that, and I'm not quite over that yet. I don't know what happened...I'm so mean, its like once I didn't like something, I just let that dominate my entire opinion of him, which is probably a bad thing, but I'm not feeling very remorseful about it. I'm more like "ehh"...

In other news, I think I like JH...a lot...I'm a little conflicted about this, cause I wasn't trying to be Miss "I like someone" this year...I guess I just need to wait it out, he'll probably piss me off and then I won't like him anymore...

2007-01-24T07:37:00.000-05:00

Its been an interesting week so far. First, I've managed to make it into work not only on time, but actually early. Why? Because I set my alarm for 5:30, so that I'll get up by 6 AM....I should have done that a long time ago. Now if I set it for 5 then maybe I'll get up in time to get a quick workout in.

I'm down another 1.2 pounds this week, for a total of 5.4 pounds lost in 2 weeks, and with virtually no exercise. So now I wanna work out, cause just eating better has helped me lose 5 pounds.

In GA, a man has been freed from prison after 22 years, because of a false conviction....How many more cases like this are we gonna have? Turns out this man was convicted based on the eyewitness testimony of two victims. Clearly they were wrong, and I wonder how they are coping with the fact that they took away someone's life for 22 years. Its been proven in studies that eyewitnesses are hopelessly unreliable, so why does our judicial system continue to hold them in such great esteem? All states should have an Innocence Project, to help free those who are falsely convicted. I don't even want to think about the number of innocent people who have been executed....

Jimmy Carter has given in to the pressure and apologized for passages in his new book, which I think is an incredibly stupid idea (the apology). He's absolutely right when he says that Israel needs to pull out of the West Bank if they want the violence to end. I still cannot comprehend how people can support the taking of someone else's land just because someone says their "ancestors" were "promised" this land...GTFOH!

And in closing, I'd like to say that I heart a certain young Nigerian man who lives in DC...that is all...

Weekend recap....

2007-01-22T09:05:00.000-05:00

This week was a on-Friday week, and for some reason, Friday was long as hell! It took forever for 4 pm to come. Friday night I had a little happy hour thing at Howl at the Moon on I-Drive. Some work homies came and we had a great time, had some drinks and some fun. Thanks to everyone who came out and kicked it with us.

I was supposed to go to a Kappa party after that, but I got home and started caking on the phone with JH....and then got lazy and didn't feel like going out. So I spent my night caking on the phone and laying in the bed...Fun times.

Saturday morning I got up and gave the house a good cleaning (well, everything except my bedroom, its still a disaster area). And then I did a bunch of running around and running errands. I did get a new cheap bookshelf for the living room, so my stereo finally came out of hiding. And I ran into Rooms To Go Outlet, just to see what they had, and I saw a couple of sofa-loveseat combos for about $700 that I liked. I spent my evening watching SATC Season 1 episodes on On Demand (and I need to get that to complete my collection!)

Sunday I hit the grocery store and I officially do not need to buy food for the next month. If I go to the grocery store and buy anything other than perishibles or things that I'm actually out of, then I'm in trouble. And I'm also not allowed to buy lunch at work, I have too much food (and good food at that) at home.

2007-01-19T14:36:00.000-05:00

Jubi is pissed...would you like to know why? Because people are triflin. They cannot be depended on at all. When you need something done, they give you 50-11 excuses about this and that and the other...And its all bullshit. I'm so fucking pissed. Moral of the story folks: don't ask anyone for another. Do everything your gotdamn self.

I liked this "article" (I have no idea if its a real article or not, but who gives a fuck) so I'm reposting it. And since I found it on a message board, I can't credit the original author since I don't know who that is...But I would if I could...

Black women aren't getting married at the same rate as other women, and they still manage to keep breathing. My brothers, doesn’t this make you all want to get your shit together? Really? They keep breathing! That’s acceptable to y’all?

As someone who deals with black men exclusively, and remains fiercely devoted, I feel I’m qualified enough to say that y’all better straighten the hell up. While the idea that 70 percent of women out there don’t have a ring on their finger is indeed interesting, it’s also not all that surprising since these women have tried for so long to stick with you all even when it was clear that they should not. Here's a suggestion for these women:

Sisters, date non-black men.

Brothers cannot possibly be worth all this struggle when this world is filled with good men of various races. To my brothers, a white woman can have yo' ass. If they don't want you either, maybe you can spend that free time getting some degrees, avoiding STDs and baby mamas, staying out of jail, or improving your financial situation.

Women can read all the statistics they want. Consult their toy psychologists and armchair sociologists. The fact remains that the articles they read are typically one-sided and ill-advised. They would do better to just be who they are and hope to find a man (regardless of his race) who can love them for that. They all went to school and learned how to become lawyers, doctors, and business women, but seemingly forgot their worth. They can't continue to let these articles written by urban Dr. Freuds get them down. They do, though so what gives?

Let me ask the fellas, those who, like these women, are single or dating a scrub and can't seem to understand why. What do black men need to do in order to change the way black women feel about them? Here are a few of my suggestions. Brothers and sisters, feel free to add your own in the comments section.

1) Get some new best friends: Enough with Pookie from 5th grade who can't keep a job for longer than 3 months. Fuck that dude. Whatever happened to "birds of a feather"? Women look at you with his broke ass and know you're two shifts away from shiftless yourself. He may play a mean hand of Spades and a fierce Madden, but he's a pimple on the butt of society. Change your circle or you may find yourself having to date Pookie. Go watch Brokeback Mountain, and wake the hell up. Butt sex hurts.

2) Quit listening to rap: Men are letting these songs go to their head. Those lyrics you quote weren’t made with you in mind. You are not a millionaire, and you really aren't even sure how to pronounce the word "Maybach", let alone how to drive one. Stop acting like you have options that you don't. You barely make minimum wage, and you just moved out of your grandma's garage. Date like it
.
3) Surprise ME: Call me high maintenance, but can we change up our routine sometimes? Can I have cheese just once on my happy meal burger? I don't complain that you can't afford to fly me around the world, but shit, every once in a while, I’d like you to remind me that you know I'm not Pookie. It's not even about money. You could just call me in the middle of the day to say you were thinking about me. Wash some dishes just because they were there. Damn.

4) Compliment my interest: Ask me about my day without me always having to bring it up. Would it kill you to ask me about the bitch I work with all day? Or, ask me to catch a game with you instead of asking me to toss you a beer. You'll mess around and get a beer tossed at your head.

5) Don’t raise your voice at me: This is not to say if you do decide to yell at me, I’ll leave you. It is to say, however, that I will stare at you like you are some newly discovered life on Mars if you do yell. It also means I will remember this and bring it up at random moments to win any argument. Violence is not the answer, but bringing up old shit to win an argument is always a way to go. When you're trying to decide if you should yell at me, weigh it out like this: If you wouldn’t cook your own dinner and end up sleeping in your grandma's garage again over it, then I don’t want to hear you yelling at me about it.

Anybody got any thoughts?

I'm bored at work...

2007-01-15T15:04:00.000-05:00

So I figured that I would blog about my weekend...This was the first off-Friday of 2007, and I basically spent it running errands and doing things around the house (which desperately needed to be done). I was also continuing to recuperate from my crazy sinus congestion thingy. Friday night a friend of mine (who shall be referred to as CG) invited me to come hang out in Miami. I agreed, mostly for 2 reasons: I've never been to Miami and I wanted to check it out; and I wanted to see if this was gonna be a "friendly" encounter or something more, because CG and I have been doing this playful flirting thing for a while.

So Saturday morning I got up, did a few things around the house, packed, and then hit the turnpike for the 200+ mile ride to Miami. The drive was exactly what I needed, I haven't done a long car trip since I moved to Orlando. And it was the first time that the fabulous new car went on a long trip as well...and let me tell you, I LOVE MY CAR! It was made for the road, and she was just cruising along doing the damn thing...I was alternating between the satellite radio and the iPod, and the drive actually gave me a chance to relax and let my mind wander for a bit.

I made it to Miami in about 3 hours, and hit CG's crib. He lives near the airport in a townhouse....Now, this is totally not a knock on my homie, but I expected a lot more from Miami...Folks are constantly talking it up and I was kinda disappointed once I saw the city (sort of like how I felt when I made to LA - I didn't see what all the hype was about). Anyway, you faithful blog readers know how I feel about the Latinos, and they were just everywhere! I was trying to prepare myself in case I had to cuss one of them mufuckas out...

Anyway, I got to CG's crib and just chilled out for a second, and watched a little football. Then we went to go eat, and he took me to an ethnic restaurant (the exact cuisine has been omitted to protect the identity of the innocent). I'd never had this type of food before, and I guess my expectations were a little high, because we basically ended up in a mom&pop takeout kinda joint...We got some food, and it was ok, but nothing stellar. The company and conversation were much better than the food. And I was trying to make sure that I didn't eat too bad because I'd had a Happy Meal on the way down and didn't want to max out my food points. We ate and bounced, and headed back to CG's for more football.

As I relaxed and watched the games, I could feel the fatigue from the drive catching up with me, so we decided to just order pizza and watch movies (and for the record, a slice of Pizza Hut Veggie Lover's pizza is only 5 points for the medium and 4 points for the large). We watched Poetic Justice first, and I haven't seen that movie in forever...I miss Tupac *insert sad face* Then we both fell asleep on Batman Begins, though I did wake up in time to see that horrible ending which is completely unscientific (I hate that). At that point, it was almost 2AM so we called it a night...But not really, cause then there was a lot of cuddling, which was nice...So I guess that means that its more than a friendly flirtation?

The next morning we got up and he took me to breakfast on Miami Beach. I saw the cruise ships in the port, which I thought was kinda cool, cause I've never been on a cruise. Breakfast was good, even though we didn't have the greatest service. Then we just walked around Miami Beach, and they were having the Art Deco Weekend, so I looked at a bunch of stuff (but didn't buy any) and just enjoyed the weather. At first there was a nice breeze but as the day went on it started to get warmer. We finally made it back to the house around 1pm, and then I hit the road back to Orlando. I made it back in 3 hours, and just spent the night chillin around the house. I kinda wanted some company, but I didn't feel like putting in the work that company entails, so I just chilled.

So overall, it was a good weekend...lots of fun with good company...I'm interested to see what the future will hold with CG...Like I said before, I'm not trying to be in a relationship, but I think that there is something more than a friendship between us.

I'm sorry I'm so late....

2007-01-10T12:01:00.000-05:00

Its my first post of 2007 and I wanted 10 days to make it! Sorry yall, I kept meaning to blog but then I kept getting involved with other stuff. Not only is this the first post of 2007, but this is also the 3rd year that I've kept this blog...In December I went back and read a lot of my first year posts, and I didn't even recognize myself in them...A lot has changed in 2 years.

So its a new year....and you're probably wondering what's changed with Jubi...Well first off, no New Year's resolutions...I figured it was pointless since I break them anyway...But I did decide to do things this year with a different mindset and attitude.

The first new attitude is in regards to my lovelife....2006 was a tough year for Jubi romantically, and we definitely don't want a repeat. And I don't think I'm ready for a relationship and I want to be flexible and have fun..So the conclusion is: Single in '07...I'll get to hang out and have fun and meet new people, but no worries about boyfriends or relationships or even freaking out about possibly being an old maid. Simple and drama-free, just like I like it.

The second new attitude is in regards to my weight. For almost the entire time I've had this blog, I've bitched and moaned about my weight. Well, we gave up the bitching and moaning and went to Weight Watchers, and so far its been great. I like it a lot and its a lot easier than only being able to eat certain foods for a certain length of time. I'm doing POINTS, so I can eat pretty much whatever I want as long as I stay in my points range...And that's something I can definately do. And its making me rely more on my food scale and measuring utensils, which I appreciate.

Florida still sucks, the people are still incredibly lame, and the weather keeps changing and now I'm sick, again, which sucks a lot. I've been spending a lot of time alone, thinking and evaluating my life and where I want to be and how I want to get there.

Oh, and I need another job...I love the one I have now, but I need to moonlight somewhere else as a sideline...I need more money.

Its reflection time...part 1

2006-12-27T14:10:00.000-05:00

Can you believe that we're almost a few days away from 2007? 2006 went by in a blur, it seems like the year just started. This time last year I was recuperating from breaking my neck to finish chemistry research, and enjoying the start of a new relationship....And in that year I've gone through so many changes, so many ups and downs, but I made it through all of them...I look back, and I think I've gone and matured, so overall 2006 was a positive year.

I hope that everyone ends 2006 on a positive note and that they carry that positive vibe into 2007...I know I will be trying to focus on the positive and accomplish some goals in the coming year....

Catch-up day...

2006-12-21T14:14:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was my 3 year crossing anniversary...I feel like I've been in the game longer than 3 years, but it was a good day. I'm looking forward to many more.

Today is my last day of work for the year...Its been a good 4 months. I love my job and I'm getting a lot of great opportunities, and there will be more to come in the next year. My only wish is that I did not live in Orlando, but we'll fix that one of those days.

Beyond that I'm looking forward to spending some time with my friends and family and those who love me. I spend so much time being subjected to the opinions of people who wouldn't spit on me if I was on fire, or who think I'm a bad person, and it will be nice to be surrounded by folks who actually love and respect me.

Still reflecting on 2006 and what I hope 2007 holds for me. I have some changes in mind that I want to implement, but we can talk about that later.

If I don't blog before Christmas, I wish a Merry Christmas to all my Jesus folks and a Happy Hannukah to all my Moses folks...

2006-12-11T10:11:00.000-05:00

Friday night I had a date with this kid....We went to Universal CityWalk for dinner. The first thing that I noticed was that he did not pull out my chair, and it gave me a pause. I'm so used to chivalry that it took me a second to realize it wasn't happening. Overall, we had a pretty unexciting dinner...We have no chemistry...That was kinda refreshing, because I've gone through this period where I liked every guy that I went out with, and its nice to be like, "Ok, we don't really click, let's move on."

Saturday night I wound up going to the club, Cairo to be exact....And Orlando is so boring and wack...I saw a bunch of crazy stuff at the club and heard some local music that was subpar at best. But at least I was out of the house.

Sunday I finally watched Akeelah and the Bee...it was so cute! I really related to this movie, because I know how it feels to have everyone's hopes and expectations on you. Very cute movie, I think I'm going to buy that.

I forgot to mention this, but I did go get my HIV test....People, go get tested! Know your status, knowledge is power.

More thoughts...

2006-12-07T19:28:00.000-05:00

Today I went back and re-read some emails that CB had written me, back when everything was new and we were so in love...I look back now and I wonder if I really loved him. I liked him a lot, and in the beginning I wanted to be with him all the time, and everythin was so new and fresh and exciting and interesting. But somehow the excitement that I felt at the beginning of our relationship became something else, something that was unshakeable to the point where I went back into a relationship that I probably should never have been in in the first place. While overall my relationship with CB wasn't healthy or productive, I do miss how I felt in the beginning of our relationship. I felt loved and appreciated and wanted. It was nice to have someone be so into me and enjoy spending time with me so much. I guess I felt special and I dont really feel that way right now.

Right now, I'm pretty frustrated, because someone came back into my life, but they did it in a way that I'm not sure I'm cool with. I feel like I can't completely close that chapter of my life and put it behind me, because I don't have the closure that I need. I'm not sure if I'll be able to move forward in my life completely without putting all that behind me. I wish I could just let it go, I really do.

I'm sick and it sucks. I think its the weather changes in Florida...One day its 85 and the next day its 20 degrees cooler. I haven't been able to shake it as of yet, but I wish it would hurry up and go away. My body feels rundown and I need rest (like I've been super busy lol) so I think I'm going to spend the weekend at home and just sleep and rest.

Oh, and I need love.

I forgot to mention this...

2006-12-06T19:24:00.000-05:00

The John Legend/Robin Thicke show....great times man...If you can make it to their show, please go.

It was a sold out show at House of Blues and it was packed! But I was downstairs and had a pretty good view of Robin Thicke...He is officially my favorite White boy. He put on a great show, lots of energy, voice sounded great, everything. If you don't have his new album "Evolution of Robin Thicke" please go pick that up.

John Legend's set was equally as good. I was a big fan after the first album, but I hadn't gotten the second CD before the show. He did a good mix of songs from the first and second albums, and he was great. Though towards the end I was so tired from being at work all day and then standing up all night that I was ready to be done. But overall, both performers were well worth the $28.50.

We havent talked about grad school in a while...

2006-12-04T19:06:00.000-05:00

But I just came up with this clever quote:

"Grad school is a pimp or be pimped system, and I'm trying to get off the hoe stroll"

That's a Jubi copyrighted phrase, you cant use it without my permission *laughs*

Oh, and Jamie wins the grand prize for the "Guess who's wack probate this is?" contest...She wins a gift card for Starbucks.

Probate recap.....

2006-12-03T20:35:00.000-05:00

So last night I went to a fraternity probate. I'm going to not include the name of the org, instead it can be a little contest...The first person to correctly guess the org wins a prize! (and Im really giving a prize too...) Just leave your guess in the comments....

So the show....started about an hour late, but I guess they get a pass for that because it was raining earlier. The only greeks there were XYZ frat (remember to post your guesses), Deltas and us. Oh and there was one AKA. So they get there, and there are 5 young men in all black, with hoods over their heads with question marks on them. They march over to their spot and begin the show. As the show begins, I notice a bunch of chicks rocking X sweets shirts, and then there was another group of young ladies who were dressed up and holding props...Hmmm.....

They kicked greetings for their big brothers, which were great and didn't even have derogatory terms for women, which I did appreciate. Next they decided to greet the ladies in the audience. They started with the X Sweets, and gave them a romantic greeting that took several minutes....Hmmm....then the X Sweets spent several minutes doing their call again....Then each of the sororities was greeted, and each of the greetings basically consisted of a 20 - 30 second tribute step....Hmmm....

Next there was a quick costume change. Hmmm...

Then there was some showing off and then we finally get to the good stuff, the unveiling. However, during each unveiling, there is a stop to the show, and all the XYZ members who are that number get in a pic with the neo...and for some reason the X sweets are in the pics as well. Then we get back to the show, and finally all 5 are unveiled. Then there is some quick performing and then the show is done.

All in all, much much much different than anything I've seen before, mostly because I've never seen so many sweets reppin, out in the open...Hmmm....I've got to get back to the Midwest.

Some thoughts...

2006-12-01T18:56:00.000-05:00

I don't know if I mentioned this, but the younger guy and I had taken a bit of a break over Thanksgiving weekend. We had been beefing, and I snapped and said some really mean things and then he hung up on me. I apologized later (on facebook) and by Thurs night it seemed that all was ok. But it really wasnt...cause I still feel like he judges me, he judges me on things that I did way before I met him, and that he wants to change me. Last night's conversation proved to me to that from my point of view, nothing has changed. Basically his whole response was "Yeah, I may judge you but I think that its mostly you taking everything that I say as judgement, and yeah, I do want you to change, but I'm not going to force you." Yesterday it just pissed me off, but today I've had time to think about the entire situation....

So if you've been reading this blog for a while, then you know that I HATE JUDGEMENT. I despise it and everyone who does it. If I could eliminate it from the world I would. And the biggest reason why I hate judgement is because I've been judged, a lot. And usually the judgement results in me being called some very nasty names. And the reason why I get called nasty names is because I do things that I want to do, and I don't stop and thnk "What will everyone think of me if I do X?" before I do it. Simply put, I live my life for Jubi...or at least I try to. But I got to thinking "why do I despise being judged so much?" And then I started thinking "what if I secretly judge myself? What if I'm holding in all these conformist ideas within myself? What if I hate being judged because deep down I hate the choices that I've made, but I don't want anyone to say outloud what I secretly feel."

Its all totally possible. Yeah, there are some things that I'm not proud of. But do I think I'm a bad person? Nope. I guess I mostly feel like I've been an outcast, so different for so long, and for once I'd like to be a part of the club...to feel like I belong in this society. I wish that I could be like everyone else in a couple of aspects, so that I don't get immediately disqualified because I'm Muslim, or apart of XYZ group, or an engineer, or a scientist, or a chick or a Black chick or anything else. I just want to BE...and I'm not sure if I can do that right now...I'm second guessing everything that I do, I'm constantly thinking instead of going with the flow, and I HATE THAT!

Moral of the story: don't date younger guys.

2006-11-29T12:03:00.000-05:00

So I didn't blog over Thansgiving weekend...but I did think about it...Just was too lazy to actually do it. Just didn't feel like it...Had better things to do...Well, not really, but whatever.

So Thanksgiving...didn't go home and didn't really do anything. That week at work was boring as hell, though I did manage to finish some experiments. Rolled out early on Wednesday because I was so bored that I was ready to start cutting myself just for the excitement. Thursday rolled around and I watched some football and saw the new Denzel movie "Deja Vu"...good stuff, good stuff, and it was even scientifically sound, which I appreciated. Friday morning I was up at 4:45 and arrived at BestBuy to a line that had about 8000 people in it, so I headed to Target and stood in a line surrounded by Spanish speakers (and yall know how much I hate to hear Spanish)...But I did get the stuff that I wanted from Target. I had to give up on my dream of getting that $15 bluetooth from BestBuy. Friday L called me up and we hung out at the Auto Show (more fun than I expected) and Millenia Mall....I had forgotten how much fun he was...Saturday I just bummed around Winter Park and Sunday I did a tiny bit of shopping... By Sunday I was contemplating if I even remembered how to get back to work, since I hadn't been there in so long.

So I'm at work today and I'm bored out of my freaking mind because I cannot log onto my favorite timekilling website, PledgePark...JR says its a conspiracy and that the man is trying to keep me down, and I concur. This is unfair, and its a travesty.

In other news, I'm refusing to comment on the NY police shooting except to say that I hope the truth comes out. And I guess the same comment can be applied to the Atlanta police shooting. What is the world coming to?

Oh, and I'm starting Atkins this week...and I think its something I can actually do.

Doing too much thinking and not enough action...

2006-11-21T09:30:00.000-05:00

Aight folks, Jubi has been slippin on her pimpin....Since I've moved to Orlando, I've been kicking around all these ideas to make more money. You're probably wondering why I need more money, since I'm no longer living the broke grad student life. Well, the answer is "I'm no longer living the grad school life." With becoming a grown-up comes grown-up bills, lots of them. And with the bills, I can't really afford to do what I want to do, which is save to buy a townhouse (maybe not in Orlando, but somewhere else when I'm rescued from this hell).

So I've been thinking about the following ideas: tutoring students in chemistry, online ebay store selling jewelry, promotions or bartendering, and retail sales. Now, out of the four, I'm leaning towards the first 2, with the 3rd a close second but that's only if I get my body to where I want it to be. I've actually been thinking about the first two a lot, but I've just been procrastinating instead of making things happen, which is so unlike me because normally I just make things happen.

So the end of the year goal is to get at least one of the four options going. I need to start making some moves. And stacking money.

I'm getting old...

2006-11-19T17:13:00.000-05:00

So this past weekend was the "Florida Classic" in Orlando...which seemed to me to just be an excuse for random negros to drive their negro-fied cars to Orlando and show off how hood rich they are. I was not impressed. And I did not kick it at all...It just didn't seem to be my cup of tea. I did hit the sports bar and watch the Michigan - Ohio State game, which was fun times.

I also did some more experimenting with my hair this weekend. I really wanted to do something different so I wet set it, and it was the biggest bear. Apparently I need to do this more often, cause my rollers were giving me the most trouble. But it came out cute, so we'll see how long it lasts. And I did a little shopping but I"m done for the week.

Oh, and I'm back on Fat Smash...Let's see how far I can go.

2006-11-15T21:47:00.000-05:00

I missed blogging...I forgot how therapeutic it was.

I'm on a man strike....I just can't take this nonsense anymore. Too frustrating and annoying and I'm too fabulous and cute to be frustrated and annoyed. Ok, that was arrogant Jubi talking just then (well, giving myself a pep talk). Sometimes it sucks to be a Cancer, I take things sooooooo personally and everything is a personal attack even when it isn't. But it stil sucks when you aren't chosen, even if you didn't want to play...You feel like that kid in 3rd grade who never gets picked for kickball.

I'm thinking of starting bellydance classes...I think it would be fun and it would occupy some of my time...BTW, the chick who told me about it is freaking huge (I thought it was supposed to help you lose weight?) and she had a horrible weave...I was not impressed...But my co-worker does it and she said she has fun, and its an all-female class, so I think I'll at least try it out.

2006-11-14T20:12:00.000-05:00

For those who don't know, I'm Jubi. I've been Jubi since July 6, 1982, and I will continue to be Jubi until the day that I die. I tried the being someone else thing when I was younger, and I wasn't very good at it, and it sucked. So I'm just me. That's all I can be. And I don't want to be anything else.

You're probably wondering where this post is going...well, I'll tell you. I met a young man, we hung out, we dated, we laughed, we joked, we told each other personal things. We had fun and we liked each other. But the problem was that I liked him for who he was, and he liked me because I had the potential to be whatever he thought he wanted. He didnt really like Jubi the way she is, he liked certain parts, but not the whole package. But I'm a package deal...I'm me, and that's all I can be. So who ever is in my life has to accept who I am, with my good parts and my bad. It sucks that something that had the potential to be so good had to end this way, but I'm not apologizing for being me. All I can do is move on and try to find someone who will accept me for me, for all of me.

Some thoughts from the weekend....

2006-11-12T20:59:00.000-05:00

My life is very interesting right now. I'm still my free-spirit self, which apparently has become a gift and a curse. A gift, because I don't care about what people think of me and I don't conform (at least in theory), and so I can live my life on my own terms. A curse because I never match up to what the conformists are doing, and therefore I always end up being judged by someone else's standards, and frankly, that sucks. Why is it that humans have to make judgements about the actions of others? Why is it that we can't just be concerned about what we're doing, and leave it at that? I don't have the answers, because I'm guilty of it too, though I think that I probably do it less than most people (but that's just my opinion).

Well, where did that come from? I had a conversation with the new guy (He's JG btw) and the topic came up. I feel that he judges me and my past behavior (which has absolutely nothing to do with him). Yet he wishes that he could be a free spirit and not conform. I was perplexed, because he doesn't give off that vibe at all. He doesn't seem like the type who would want to live outside his ordered life with all its rules.

In other news, I've been on a shoe buying kick this weekend. Especially the shoes with the peekaboo toes, I love those...I bought 3 pairs of shoes this weekend, and almost bought 2 more...I have a sickness and I need to stop.

Oh, and I went ahead and relaxed my hair. I haven't found a braider as of yet, and I had reached my new growth limit. But I did go 12 weeks without a relaxer, which is the longest that I've gone since like freshman year of college (and that was purely by necessity).

Its been a long time...

2006-11-06T15:54:00.000-05:00

But Jubi is back! And I've missed you! I had to take a break from blogging to get my life together, moisturize my situation, and preserve my sexy....And now I'm ready to start sharing with my 2 loyal readers again.

So what's happened since my last post? Well, lets see.....

*The job is going extremely well. I really love what I do, and I have good co-workers and a great mentor. I made a good decision when I decided to leave school and start this position, because I enjoy it and the money is fabulous!

*The family is doing very well...I was just at home this past weekend, and I had a great time. It was great to see my family and spend some time in the cold weather. And my father and I have been getting along, and he moved to Ft. Myers, FL recently. He also got remarried this weekend, but I'm cool about that. My parents aren't gonna get back together, so he should be happy with someone else.

*Orlando is still wack as hell, but I've been getting out and meeting folks. For some reason I've been meeting a lot of men of a particular fraternity, which is cool I guess, but I'd like to vary my dating pool just a bit. In the meantime, I've been spending some time with a young man (emphasis on young cause he's younger than me) and so far its been a lot of fun. At first I wanted to keep it secret cause I didn't want to like him too much, but that approach didn't really work. But he's a sweetie and we have a lot of fun together. He wants to pledge and its so cute cause I see so much of myself in him when I wanted to pledge.

*I miss my friends, especially JR and VS, oh and VB, but I'm making new friends and trying to get out more...

Don't you feel all caught up now?

2006-10-07T13:13:00.000-04:00

Its been a couple of weeks since I last blogged, and I haven't felt the motivation or desire to blog. I guess I just don't have anything to say, or maybe I just feel like keeping my life private right now.

So until further notice, I'm on hiatus...But please continue to check in, I may have a new post for you soon...

Ramadan Mubarak!

2006-09-23T21:48:00.000-04:00

First let me say Ramadan Mubarak to all my fellow Muslims...I hope that everyone has a blessed Ramadan. This year I'm looking forward to refocusing on my relationship with Allah and gaining a deeper connection with him.

This weekend my mom is here to visit, and so far we've had a great time. On Friday my master's diploma finally arrived in the mail, and my mom was so happy and she started crying. She's been really emotional when it comes to me lately, but I understand. She struggled in her decision to even had me, and when I was first born we were EXTREMELY poor...but look how far we have come. My mom is great, she's always been there to support me and had my back through everything I've been through. I'm really lucky to have her as my mom.

So I've been in Orlando almost 2 months, and I've concluded that I need something to do with my extra time. So I'm thinking as working as a tutor part-time...It'll help me keep my chemistry skills sharp and I can certainly put the extra money to good use. What do you think?

My brother's birthday is on Monday, so everyone wish him a happy birthday! Happy birthday DT, your big sister loves you and I'm very proud of you!

I haven't felt like blogging...

2006-09-20T19:59:00.000-04:00

But I figured I'd throw you guys a bone...

I met a new guy, but I'm just looking for a new friend. I'm done with serious relationships for a very long time. I'm back to the days when I just did the dating thing.

The biggest news is that I got a new car! I got a 2006 Hyundai Sonata GLS...Its so freaking sweet! I love it, power everything, power moonroof, ESC system, ABS, alarm system, 6 speaker system, all that...All I need now is my satellite radio.

My mom will be here this week, and I can't wait!

The drama is over...at least for a little while...

2006-09-12T20:22:00.000-04:00

I'm sorry for being an emotional wreck yesterday...that's not the normal Jubi...Somehow between graduation and now, I've morphed into some clingy needy creature, and we can't be having that...(I personally think the demise of my "relationship" with CB aided in this, but I digress).

I signed up for my job's mentoring program today...It looks like its going to be a lot of fun and rewarding and I'm really excited about it. Orientation/training is next month.

Thanks everyone who sent me words of wisdom and good advice. I really appreciate it and I'm done being an emotional basketcase...

Its official....

2006-09-11T18:09:00.000-04:00

EVERYONE'S GETTING MARRIED BUT ME!

Remember DW? Yes, THAT DW, the one that talked a good game and THEN remembered that we share different religious views and decided that I was disqualified from the game...Well, he's engaged! Add him to the list of ex-boyfriends that are now marrying OTHER CHICKS!

Its official: I am the girl that NO ONE wants to marry...How did I end up this way?

As for DW, its interesting that he decided that I was disqualified in December, and now its September and he's engaged...So I guess I was disqualified sooner than when he decided to tell me...

On the real my 2 loyal readers, I'm really hurt...Why am I not wifey material?

Still waiting...

2006-09-10T13:52:00.000-04:00

So I'm still waiting to hear from CB...I dont think I ever will, but it is kinda surprising that he would pull the same disappearing act again. He not having his cell phone really isn't an excuse because he has Vonage, so he can call long-distance, or he could have emailed me. Oh well.

Trying to get used to being more disciplined...Check out http://theamazingshrinkingjubi.blogspot.com to cheer me on or check out my progress.

The biggest thing that is weighing on my mind right now is my financial situation. I've only been working for a few weeks, and I'm wanting to get my new car, but I really feel like I need to be more responsible by just chilling with the car I have now for a second, stacking some money, paying off the bills I have now, and then getting my car a few months from now. As much as I really really really want to get my new car, financially I'm not ready for it, and I need to be more disciplined. So I think I'm going to just get my bumper fixed and then keep it moving with the car I have now. I owe about a grand on it still, which I should be able to pay off in a few months, and then I can really start car shopping because my financial situation will be better.

Tomorrow is the 5-year anniversary of 9/11...Its amazing how much different my life is from that day...I remember it was my sophmore year, and I woke up around 8, hit the shower, and then turned on the tv because I like to watch the Today show as I get dressed. I remember seeing the footage and thinking "why would a plane fly into the WTC?", but then I had to run off to math lab. During class we all talked about it checked the online news, and that's when the news started to come out that it was a planned attack. Classes were cancelled for the afternoon, and I spent the rest of the day watching the news, not knowing how the events of that day would change a lot of things that happened in my life. Though I didn't personally know anyone who lost their life in 9/11, I felt the magnitude of losing almost 3,000 lives in a single day. And now 5 years later, the events of 9/11 have caused us to lose even more lives through wars and suicide bombers and increased anger between people who hate each other with a passion I've never seen. I hope that soon there will be an end to this violence, that peope can learn to respect each others differences without wanting to exert their will on others.

And finally, I would like to say goodbye to a friend of mine...He passed earlier this week, and I had no idea until I heard about it from a mutual friend. The news of his death deeply saddened me and I hope that his spirit is resting in a better place, and I send my condolances to his family and friends.

2006-09-06T21:24:00.000-04:00

This post is my form of letting folks say "I told you so"...

My relationship with CB is now non-existant. And a part of me always knew that this would happen, that he would just wake up one day and be gone again. But I couldn't stop myself from going back, I literally could not. I've bitched and moaned about our relationship, but some parts of it were so good. And those were the parts that kept me going back. When it was good, I truly felt loved and special and that I would always be that way. But now is not one of those times, and now I feel very lonely...Not as lonely as when I first moved here, but lonely in the sense that I don't have anyone in my corner here. Basically I've started my life over, from the beginning, and it kinda sucks. The folks I've met here so far are great, especially NS, but its not the same when you've known someone for a long time and you have history and all that.

So Ive been rambling and I didn't mean to do that...But I am a little stung right now and pissed at myself because it was all my fault and I did it to myself. Apparently I'm as needy and co-dependent as I always hoped I wouldn't be (did that sentence make any sense to anyone besides me?)...And I hate feeling like this. I want to have myself all together, to be strong and to make myself happy, but at the same time, I want to be loved and know that I'm special to at least ONE person...

I need to get myself together...my mom said that a great relationship will find me when I'm not looking, and she's right...So how do I stop myself from looking?

I'm bored at work....

2006-09-05T15:40:00.000-04:00

So I'm at work...and I have nothing to do really and so I'm bored and pretending to work but really I'm blogging. And its much easier to pretend to work when your cubemate is on vacation for the week. Cause now I don't have to sneak and do things...

This holiday weekend was interesting...Initially I was supposed to go to St. Louis to see KR but I didn't (long story). But NS, a chick I met here at work, had made me this long iternary for the weekend, so I knew I would be pretty busy. It started on Thursday, one of the girls here tranferred to Corporate, so she had a little going-away thing at this cute jazz club/cigar bar...Ya'll the spot is hella cool and really cute, but it was empty! If it was Atlanta (or anywhere else that isn't lame), it would have been jumping...But alas, Orlando is the wack capital of the world. I did meet some new folks there.

Friday night a girl from work had a get-together at her house, which turned out to be a lot of fun. We played games and had drinks and finger food, and just chilled. I met a few more folks and had a really great time.

Saturday I did stuff around the house, and then I went to Winter Park with NS, and did some walking and shopping. And walking down the street, the cutest (but on the thin side) guy was staring at me...So we chop it up for a second, and it turns out that he's a Kappa...so he was probably staring because I had my sorority bag on my shoulder.

Sunday I went to another get-together and met some more folks, and then went to AKA Lounge (apparently its a club...) and listened to a great band...

Monday I didn't do anything but go to the movies and do some shopping for work...and I went to the grocery store...

I didn't get to watch as much football as I wanted to this weekend, but I'm gonna change all that.....Next weekend the Gophers play Cal, and I will be glued to the tv...

2006-08-22T19:56:00.000-04:00

I haven't blogged in forever, and I'm so sorry kittens, it wasn't my fault.

Ok, maybe it was my fault, but I have an excuse: I've been addicted to my digital cable and DVR. Why didn't anyone tell me about this? DVR is the greatest thing since sliced bread man! I love love love my DVR! And I'm happy that my cable here is cheaper than Comcast, cause Comcast is suuuuuuuch a ripoff! But it sucks that I don't have TV One anymore!

So the job...so far I really like it. Its exactly what they told me it would be, and what I expected it to be, so I wasn't surprised or anything. I'm the youngest person by like 25 years, and I work with a bunch of old White guys who spend the entire day drinking coffee and talking. I've gotten started with running tests and writing reports, which is cool. And I've been set up with 2 mentors, which I'm excited about. I've also met people at my job, which is nice. I've met a couple guys and a few women, so Orlando is looking better.

Now, for the most important news: I got my stuff! It only took me a million phone calls before they delivered my stuff on Saturday afternoon, so I spent the rest of the weekend unpacking. I'm just so happy to have my bed back! I'm glad I got my stuff, but it was suuuuuuch a headache...So people, if you're moving, DO NOT use Budget Van Lines or Fixed Price Moving. If you do, you will get nothing but a headache.

I've been missing the Commander...I need him to come spend some time with me...I have Friday off, so he could come then, hint, hint.

I'm a sad little person...

2006-08-12T11:44:00.000-04:00

So I've made the move, I'm in Orlando, and so far the entire experience has been very traumatic. First, the movers don't show up until after 10pm, so I was up until after midnight dealing with them. Then they tell me I have more stuff than what's in my estimate, and this is with me not even taking everything! Ugh! Then I'm expecting them to deliver my stuff on Thursday and when I don't get a call, I start trying to track folks down. Well, they weren't giving me a straight answer, so I had my mom make some calls for me. Turns out the truck that my stuff is in is broken down in Charlotte, NC, so I won't get my stuff until Tuesday or Wednesday! And to top it off, I think they overcharged me, so I will definately be talking to my moving company on Monday morning when I have a break in orientation. As soon as I get my stuff I'm filing a complaint with the BBB about both companies, because this has been nothing but a headache. I really wish that I had just paid my boyfriend and his friend to move my stuff down here, cause at least I would have it and it would have been cheaper. I"m not going to disclose the names yet because I want my stuff back in the same condition but believe me, as soon as I get it back I'm giving the full names and addresses and phone numbers.

So far Orlando has been like a foreign country. Where are all the Black people? I knew that there would be an adjustment after coming from Atlanta, but this is rediculous! No one here speaks English! No one looks like me! And I have no one to talk to, because I don't know a soul here! It wouldn't be so bad if I had my cable or internet, but I don't get them until Tuesday, which totally sucks! So I"m sitting in Starbucks, blogging and trying to get my internet fix and also be able to communicate with the outside world.

I really really really miss Atlanta...all my friends and especially CB...I'm so rediculously lonely here in Orlando with no one to talk to or keep me company...Today I woke up so sad and lonely and now I'm just so melancholy. My mom says it will be better when I start work on Monday, and I really hope so, because this sucks and I don't think I can take a year of this. The first friday I have off, I'm going back to Atlanta.

What a weekend!

2006-08-07T15:28:00.000-04:00

I'm sorry it took me so long to blog, but I've been on the go! Let's recap:

*Wednesday was my last day at my job, thank goodness! I was very happy to be up out of there. The 5 months I spent there was ok, but I'm glad I have something better to move on to. My mom and aunt got on in the evening, and I was so glad to see my mom. But she wasn't happy to see my apt, because I hadn't packed as much as she thought. So we immediately started packing, and now (as of Mon afternoon) I'm about 90% packed.

*Thursday we did a lot of running around and also packing. Having my mom here really helped with the packing.

*Friday was graduation day. It started at 9 and ended at 10:30, so it was short and sweet. It was great being able to be finally done; I'm glad that I'm not going back to school in the fall. CB came, and he got to meet my mom and aunt at the graduation. After graduation we had lunch and I took the family to the farmer's market, which they loved. Great times.

*Saturday was spent doing shopping and more packing. CB and I went to see Talladega Nights, which was much funnier than I thought it would be. I really enjoyed it.

*Sunday was the day of my farewell dinner. We had a great time, and ate lots of food and took lots of pictures.

*Monday (today) my mom and aunt left, and I'm a little sad cause I won't see my mom for a few months. I'm trying to do the last packing because the movers will be here to pick everything up tomorrow. I'm leaving on Wednesday and taking a few things with me.

2006-07-30T22:11:00.000-04:00

I know that I blogged yesterday, but what the hell, I'll blog today too.

I've been watching old movies all weekend: first "Valley of the Dolls" then "Anne of A Thousand Days" then "The Opposite Sex". It was my first time watching Dolls, and I'mma have to get that on dvd...quite entertaining. Anne is always great, cause I love historical movies, and even though I've seen Opposite Sex a few times, I still love that movie. In fact, I was pissed that I missed the beginning because I wanted to tape it. Oh well.

Finally got some stencils for my eyebrows...So now I can keep them looking great. Yay for Sephora. I also got a free large umbrella, which was a nice surprise.

I missed CB's call, so I'm sitting here waiting for him to call me back, because I called and left him a message to do that.

I managed to make some progress on the packing this weekend, but I've still got a lot of work to do, so my mom and aunt will definately have to help me.

We're getting closer..

2006-07-29T19:11:00.000-04:00

Next week is my last week at my job and Friday is graduation! My mom and aunt will be here on Wednesday, and I can't wait!

I've been doing a lot of thinking about my sorority and the business of my sorority, and I've decided that its time for me to start making some moves. So be on the lookout for Soror Jubie...

In other sorority news, I had dinner with 5 other sorors last night at Papadeaux's. We had a such a great time, and we spent hours just talking about life. One older soror dropped some serious knowledge on me about relationships, and she was absolutely right with everything that she said. It was on point and on time. Last night I left feeling so good cause there's nothing like spending time with the sorors.

Did some more packing today and I'll be packing again tomorrow. I did take a timeout and go see "My Super Ex-Girlfriend'...it was very cute...

2006-07-26T20:14:00.000-04:00

Next week is graduation...Grown-upness is looming...

I'm not very happy right now. That is all.

2006-07-23T10:20:00.000-04:00

So this weekend CB and I drove down to Orlando, so that I could check out apartments and make a decision on where I would be living. I checked out 4 places, and really only 3 were options, because one absolutely SUCKED! Out of the 3, I chose the last place I saw, and was approved before I left, so I am no longer homeless when I move to Orlando!

Getting approved was the highlight of the trip. The rest of it was less than enjoyable, mostly because CB isn't speaking to me. We had a big fight on Wednesday, and apparently he doesnt want to let it go or accept my apology, so fuck it. He's going on and on about how he wants to compromise, but his idea of "compromise" is for me to change my behavior so that he won't have to change his...and that's NOT a compromise!

At one point during the weekend I wished he hadn't come back into my life...I really don't need the aggravation. I said I was wrong for my part of the fight and I apologized, so what else am I supposed to do? Its like he's enjoying being made at me because that means that he's not the bad guy for the moment. And even with his whole walking out thing, he's managed to make that MY fault because (in his words) "I FORCED him to walk out on me"...GTFOHWTBS! I'm sure he's gonna read this, or his friends will and tell him, and then he'll call me and say he's done, and honestly, I could care less...If its so easy for him to walk away from me, then that means that he didnt' feel any of the things that he claimed to feel for me. And then of course, he'll say its not true, and that he loves me SOOOOOOOO much, but like I said, I don't see that, all I see is him telling me I need to change and him clinging to his anger towards me. But whatever, I'm done...I apologized and that's all I can do.

In other news, Orlando looks like its going to have to grow on me...and I'm gonna have to make some friends when I get there, cause I need to have a life.

I know, I know...

2006-07-19T19:52:00.000-04:00

I should have been blogging more often, but I swear, my life has been uber-boring...What do I do? Get up, go to work, deal with crazy ass folks who don't want to work but swear that they do, then come home, hop on the internet, watch tv, try to pack up some of my shit, have dinner with CB, and then cuddle all night (ok, well, maybe there's a little something before the cuddling, but yall don't need to know all that)...That's all I do...Its so un-fabulous my life is (had a Yoda moment for a second)...

This Friday I'm going to Orlando with CB to finalize apartment plans. There's this place that I really love and that I think I'm going to be moving to, but I just want to make sure...but it looks uber-fabulous on the website, and the chick that I talked to was just way too excited over the property. I booked the mover yesterday, so all I need to do is get a place and then get all the utilities hooked up.

I don't know if I mentioned it, but I've had a sore throat since my birthday...Finally went to the doctor yesterday, who gave me a decongestant and an antibiotic...Good times, finally I have some drugs...

Life with CB in it has been great times, man...I'm really glad that we're back together...And this time we've settled in this comfortable place, where we know each other better and so we can just co-exist in this great space...I really hope that nothing changes when I move, because I really care about him, and I feel like we got back together for a reason.

In other news, I am still utterly addicted to Crunk & Disorderly, one of my favorite blogs...Today there were some great pics of Kimora Lee Simmons...I love her! She is so fabulous and she knows it, which is why I love her...She doesn't pretend to not know how fabulous she is, like some stars do, she flaunts it for all to see...One day I'll be that fabulous too...

Birthday weekend recap...

2006-07-12T21:53:00.000-04:00

Alright, so I should have done this a long time ago, but I actually have a life now, so it took me until now to recap the birthday.

*So on the actual birthday, I had to work...and it was soooooooo busy! But on the high note my boss bought me a cake for my birthday! I had a quick snack with JR, and then CB took me to Cheesecake Factory for dinner. Overall a quiet day. Oh, and that was the beginning of my sore throat (cause I was on the phone for about 2 hours straight at one point during the day).

*Friday I also had to work, but I was leaving early because my very bestest friend LK was coming into town to help me celebrate the big 2-4. I was late picking him up and I was all stressed out and he and my mom ganged up on me and told me to relax. We hung for a bit, and then I met up with some friends for my birthday dinner at Benihana. We had a great time! The food was good and so was the company. After that we rested for a bit and then hit Compound, which was very ....interesting. I hadn't been to the club since Feb., and hadn't been to Compound since my birthday last year, and I hadn't been missing much. I had lots of drinks and was quite intoxicated by 1:30, so we headed out and went home.

*Saturday I woke up with NO HANGOVER! Which was great because last year I had the mother of all hangovers. LK and I had wanted to go to the Aquarium, but it was sold out! That blows...so we just hit the mall, then watched The Godfather (cause I had never seen it before) and then we got some dinner and bummed around Atlantic Station.

*Sunday LK went home...and I spent the day spending some alone time with myself...

So all in all, a great birthday weekend...I hope 24 is gonna be a good year for me...It looks like its going to be.

Tomorrow's the big day!

2006-07-05T20:53:00.000-04:00

So in a few hours I will be 24 years old...I've been blessed to live anyone year, month, week, day, hour, minute, second on this Earth...All praise be to Allah for allowing me to make it anyone year.

I'm very calm now that I know that I'm graduating. So I'm relaxed now, and not all scared and nervous like I was just a few days ago. I'm excited for the birthday and to see my friends on Friday.

I'm back with CB...and I'm happy with the decision that I made. I'm sure someone's gonna tell me that it was a bad choice, but oh well...Jubi gotta do what's best for her.

And yes, the computer is back! I almost gave it a hug cause I missed it so much!

2006-06-27T16:19:00.000-04:00

So I haven't blogged in a few days, because I've been busy having my life rearranged. So now its time to recap:

*I checked with my recruiter, and they are more than fine with me going non-thesis, so it looks like I won't have to resort to working at Walmart and doing meth after all! I also got some more relocation information. And I told my dept that I was going non-thesis, so now all I have to do is order my invitations and my master's stole...

*Told the current boss that I'm leaving...she seemed to take it pretty well, and so did my co-workers...

*And now, for the big news: CB sent me an email on Monday, apologizing. Apparently he's been reading my blog (and I'm sure he's reading this too), and he wanted to apologize, and also to see me before I leave. I had to read it a couple times to make sure that I wasn't hallucinating and that it wasn't a mirage or something. Then I called JR...who seems to think that its all a great ruse and that I shouldn't have anything to do with him. Well, I love JR a lot, but I gotta do what's best for me. And so I told him that I was surprised and that I needed some time to think about...and then I tried to express to him just what him leaving did to me. So yesterday, we talked face-to-face, and it started awkward, and then it got all emotional...He did a lot of apologizing, and approached me and the situation very humbly...The whole time I sat there and realized just how much I love him and that it didn't go away just cause he walked out. We wound up going to get food, and we talked some more. By the end of the night I hadn't decided what I wanted to do, but I did know that I didn't want him to be out of my life completely. So as of right now, I've decided to just take it slow and see what happens...I don't know if we'll get back together, but I do know that my love for him hasn't left in the last 4 months, but I'm also not gonna sign up for more heartache.

2006-06-23T21:11:00.000-04:00

So here's an update for everyone:

Advisor has STILL been avoiding my emails...so it looks like I'm getting closer to just throwing in the towel and going non-thesis, which kinda sucks...but at the same time, if its between losing my fabulous job and graduating in December w/a thesis or graduating non thesis and getting my fabulous job, you can imagine which one I'm taking.
I think next week I'm telling the current job about my new job, they deserve to know. And it sucks to keep having to watch what I say and hide my joy about my new position.
My best friend got his ticket to come visit for my birthday and I'm sooooo excited!
I've been feeling a little down lately...not the depression that I sometimes feel, not that melancholy and sad, but something almost apprehensive...I guess its all the new changes; the moving and starting my new job...I will finally be a grownup, and that's scaring...Its really freaking me out...What if I can't cut it? What if I do a horrible job and end up addicted to meth with rotted out teeth living in a trailer? (Not that I think that would happen, but what if?) I guess its the size of the change that's got me a bit anxious. Its never easy to go through just one change, and here I am going through several big ones at the same time. I just hope that I'm making the right decision, and that everything will work out for the best.

2006-06-19T20:35:00.000-04:00

So I'm sitting in the library, and I really hate the person sitting next to me...He's the one that hurt my feelings, the one that reads my blog, and I really want to jam a pencil in his neck. Had the nerve to be all friendly, like he didn't call me names and stuff a week ago...Niggas, I tell ya...

Had a good time this weekend. Got black as hell, showed off the new tattoo and strolled with the sorors in the stroll competition. Met a little cutie. Went shopping. Was absolutely fabulous at the Kappa event on Saturday. Had a brunch date on Sunday that was cool, and the food and company were both great. Kicked it with one of the homies. Overall a good weekend.

Still haven't heard from the advisor, and the prospect of me going non-thesis is looking brighter everyday.

BTW folks, mark your calendar for July 7...its Jubi's fabulous birthday bash...Only the important folks get invited, so if you didn't get one, either I just forgot about you (and I love you!) or you just aren't important. Call me (if you're important enough to have the number) and figure out which one you are...

Life sucks...

2006-06-13T20:53:00.000-04:00

I am computer-less, and its the worst thing ever....I sit in my house and I literally have nothing to do...I see now that I need to get a life, because I spend way too much time on my computer...

UPS has pissed me off because I STILL haven't received my box to ship my broke-ass computer over to the center yet. What the hell are yall folks doing?

I'm grumpy, and I'm happy with being grumpy, so that's the way its gonna be for now...

BTW, thanks to all the folks who called, texted, IM'ed, sent smoke signals and carrier pigeons to make sure I was ok this weekend. It meant a lot...and you guys are right, fuck the folks who hurt my feelings...I'm done.

I'm having a bad weekend....

2006-06-10T11:27:00.000-04:00

I'm not having a good weekend.

My computer is busted, and either my hard drive or my OS is corrupted, but either way I'm losing all my stuff, and I don't have $500 to save everything first. Thank God that my thesis is on my flash drive, or I'd be ready to jump off a bridge right now.

Add to that the fact that I got my feelings hurt, really bad....I mean, really really bad...And it stung a whole helluva lot...I don't know what happened to my wall, but somehow I let some folks get closer to me than necessary, and now this has happened. I hate being a cold bitch, but I hate feeling so low right now, which is why the wall is required.

Dammit I was so stupid. To the folks who hurt my feelings, especially the one that reads my blog, I hope you know that you really hurt me, by keeping things from me, and then just unloading on me all at once. It was meanspirited and ugly, and I'm sure you didn't give my feelings a second thought.

So I'm done for a while folks....cutting myself off emotionally....I can't take this...

2006-06-07T22:38:00.000-04:00

So you loyal readers have been threatening me with pitchforks, so I figured it was time to blog again...In my defense, its been a busy time for me, I've been off interviewing. Its been fun times too. I interviewed for two positions: one in FL and one in VA...The FL interview was first, and it was really great (and btw, I couldn't believe that the airport has a hotel in it, how cool is that?). I really enjoyed the visit, and really liked the company. They made me a VERY generous offer...but I decided to wait until I had the other interview in VA. This interview was with a much much smaller company, in a much smaller town. The interview was good, but I was grilled a lot more than in the FL one. They wanted me too...so what was a girl to do?

Well, I thought and discussed it with HT (that's the moms in case you didn't know), and I decided to accept the FL offer. So I now have a job lined up, how cool is that?!?! I'm really excited, I'm moving and have a great job and I'll be starting my grown up life soon. The only downer is that my offer is contingent upon me graduating this summer, so I really have no play around room, I have to graduate this summer. But I'm committed to getting it done. I even worked on it today, even though I had a massive headache all day (and if that isn't committed I don't know what is).

That's pretty much all the news for me....got a job and writing the thesis...At some point I need to tell the current job that I'm leaving, but I'll do that once I know for sure that I'm graduating and leaving. Until then, mums the word.

There have been news items that have been killing me, the biggest one being the Haditha massacre. I'm appalled that folks are defending the Marines who murdered those innocent folks in cold blood. What the hell is wrong with you people, you so-called "Christians"? Did you miss the part of the Bible that says "Thou shall not kill" or is that the part of the Old Testament that you chose to disregard, since I know how much yall like to pick and choose....Absolutely dispicable...the death of folks who had NOTHING to do with the bombing of your vehicle, and who incidently never even asked yall to come there in the first place, is absolutely unacceptable. You are an embarrassment to me and I hope you are prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law and thrown under the jail for what you did.

Oh, and I absolutely HATE Anne Coulter, and I'm SO glad that Matt Lauer called her wack ass conservative dick sucking ass out on the Today show...Ugh, you should really be ashamed of yourself!

The beginning of a new phase of life...

2006-05-29T08:48:00.000-04:00

Today there was a great article in the AJC about the recruitment of Black students in Atlanta by small liberal arts schools up North: read it here

The students in the article noted how they wanted to experience something so totally different from the life they knew. They faced opposition from family, but ultimately made the choice to attend one of these great schools, and to start a new chapter (or a new book in the series) of their lives.

When I read it, I started thinking about when I was in their same position...17 years old, anxious to get the hell out of little ass Lansing, MI, and start my life as the fabulous woman that I knew that I was. To go somewhere and be able to participate in whatever I wanted to. Man, I couldn't wait to go to college! I knew that Minnesota was the perfect place for me, and I wanted to go soooooooooo bad. My mom was nervous about me moving so far away, but at the same time, I think she knew that I needed to go and that I would be fine on my own, because she had raised me to be such a reponsible and independent person. Not only did I go far away for school, I went to Minnesota! Everyone thinks that its just cold and full of White people, but I loved it! It opened my eyes to so much, and allowed me to experience things that were so different from anything I'd ever seen before...Going somewhere with so much diversity really was a great experience for me.

College really was a time of self-exploration and discovery for me, and I really hope that everyone gets a chance to experience the same things. I really developed into the person I am now, and left behind the immature person that I had been in high school. College exposed me to such much and now that I look back, four years was waaaaay too short (even though I was fabulous enough to graduate in 4 years, in chemistry, I wish I could have been more of a loser and stayed an extra year).

Enjoy the college experience, and don't hesitate to step out of your comfort zone. That' s where the real learning begins.

A beautiful night...

2006-05-28T22:24:00.000-04:00

Tonight, one of my very best friends, VS, got engaged...and I was there to not only witness it, but I was in the deception, along with JR. She had NO idea it was coming! It was great, we went to Atlantic Station under the pretext of getting food at Strip and ice cream at Cold Stone, and we totally dragged it out. We were on our way back to the escalator, when her boyfriend (and now fiancee) A pulled out the camera, saying that he wanted some shoots of the two of them...And then he grabbed her hand, and he totally went for it. The first thing out of her mouth when she saw the box was "You two knew about this didn't you?!?!" He got her a gorgeous (and rather large I might add) solitare which he picked out himself, and they are both beaming from ear to ear.

It was so beautiful and special to be a part of that moment, to see them both so happy and in love...This is the best that love can be, and I hope that one day my friends can be in on my proposal too...But until then, I"ll just be extremely happy for my very good friend, and go to sleep knowing that there is love out there in the world.

Its an epidemic yall.....

2006-05-26T13:14:00.000-04:00

"Hello, my name is Jubi and I"m a facebook junkie"

"Hi Jubi"

Facebook is the greatest invention since the iPod...I love it and I spend way too much time on it. I especially love the photo albums, to see the special moments in other people's lives...but I've noticed something recently that has hurt my feelings...What is this problem? I'll tell ya:Black guys having babies with White girls!

I know, I know, you're thinking "Jubi, that shit ain't new"...but its distressing nonetheless...So to my Black brothers, I ask "Why? What the fuck is wrong with you? White girls? C'mon man!"

While I"m not an advocate of anyone of any race having babies out of wedlock, I'm doubly distressed when Black men have babies with White women out of wedlock...its just gonna cause issues all the way around...I mean damn, there aren't any Black chicks around for you?

Somebody's gonna call me a racist...oh well...I don't dig interracial dating, never have, never will...I need my Black people to get their lives together and rebuild the Black family. And dammit, stop having babies with White chicks!

2006-05-25T17:34:00.000-04:00

Found out today that another person reads my blog...how come you people never leave comments?!?

So today at my job, my boss and I had a chat...I like my job, but the chemist in me in itching to get back in the lab. I stopped by Boggs last week, and breathing in the fumes and seeing round-bottoms made me so happy...I didn't realize how much I missed the lab until I went back. Now, I don't miss my research...it sucked and it didn't work and I'm glad that I'm getting a masters. But damn, I miss running reactions...measuring things out and using solvents...wearing a lab coat and gloves....using oil baths and rotovaps and running columns...man, those were the good days!

I think I will definately keep looking for a job. As much as my job wants to keep me, I don't think they would pay me what I want, and that's just not acceptable. So back to the job hunt I go. I have an interview on Tuesday, and I dont feel bad at all...and don't let them offer me the job, I'll jump at it.

I'd like to have a date this weekend...I really want the guy from Old School Saturdays to ask me out...dammit, why must he be so busy?

A psuedo-friend is coming to spend the night...So I've got to get the house in order...

Self-imposed exile....

2006-05-19T23:34:00.000-04:00

So after two days of drama, and multiple phone calls, emails, and an intense hour of running around at Tech, its official: I'm going to graduate this summer! I'm so excited!

But now, I must sequester myself and hit the books (or should I say computer) so that I can crank out my thesis and get back to my party girl ways. I'll be popping in occasionally to report how much I hate grad school and how writing a thesis sucks monkey balls. In the meantime, feel free to send me love notes telling me how much you miss me and wish me good luck with the thesis.

Bye everyone! See you in a few weeks!

Yay for warranties!

2006-05-17T18:24:00.000-04:00

Ok people, I'm trying to get back into the habit of blogging every day, or at least every other day...Let's see how that goes this summer...

So the "check engine" light had been on in my car for a couple weeks, and it was depressing me, cause I was dreading having to take it to the shop and them tell me that I needed something expensive done. Well, turns out the part that was broken was covered by my warranty, yay!!!!! I needed a new battery though, and that was $100, so I made out all right.

I found out today that I might not be able to actually graduate until December, even if I get my thesis done in July! This blows huge elephant balls man, I"m so pissed about it. I have to talk to the assistant dean, maybe she can help me out.

There's this cutie from Saturday night that I met that I want to hang out with, but he hasn't called me back yet! *insert sad face*...

Sometimes its good to log off....

2006-05-16T19:21:00.000-04:00

The beauty of the Internet is that 99% of the time, you can be anonymous...no one knows who you are, and if you want to be someone different, you can.

But there are a few times when your real life intersects with your Internet life. Sometimes it can be a problem, especially when you act one way in the real world, and do a 180 in cyberspace.

So folks, Jubi's PSA for the day is: be yourself! Don't try to be the person you wish you are in real life...if you are a lame, a pimp, a cheater, a smoker, a goody-goody, whatever...Don't try to be something you aren't.

And for those who are wondering, what you put out is what you get. Eventually the lies you use to build yourself up will become the bricks that crush you as you fall. Remember that what goes in the dark will ultimately come to light.

This was supposed to be a weekend recap....

2006-05-15T20:03:00.000-04:00

So I was meaning to blog yesterday, but I never got around to it...So we'll just recap the whole week, shall we?

Nothing really exciting happened between Monday and Thursday...just went to work and came home. Got my grades, 3 B's and an A...not the 4.0 I wanted in January, but considering that I spent two weeks staying up late writing papers and working full time, I'm proud of them damn B's! Yay Jubi!

Thursday night I had a dinner date at Shout...I thought my date was 29, but he's 37!!!!! How did I not realize that he was so old! I was planning on only spending a couple hours, you know, eat and run, but I actually had a really good time. Good conversation, and he was interesting, not boring, didn't monopolize the conversation, and didn't act like an old man. I was also very nice because I had 2 Pom Pom martinis (my ATLiens definately need to try those at Shout) as well as some hot sake...and I was done! No more cocktails for Jubi! I had to drag myself away at 11:30 because I had to work in the morning.

Friday night...what did I do? Oh, I hung out with my friend from GSU...He dislocated his finger that day and his hand was horribly swollen, so I hung out with him to make him feel better. Watched Minority Report, which I hadn't seen in a while, which was nice.

Saturday...sorority meeting, and then my friend VB's open house. She graduated from Spelman on Sunday (yay VB!) and so her family was down. I had a great time at her house, and her family was real cool...I was sad I had to go, but I had to go home and get fabulous, and also sober up cause her aunt were making these great cosmo's. Once I sobered up and got cute, and let the girls out so they could get some attention, I picked up my girl and we rolled to Barley's Billiards for the Play Date...basically a chance for grown folks to get together, play some little kid games (think monopoly, taboo, operation, etc.) and just mingle and have fun. When we got there, there weren't that man folks there, so we ran over to Old School Saturdays to get our free armbands. By the time we got back, it was more folks there, and we engaged in a riveting game of Taboo...met some cuties and flirted a bit...This guy that I was casually speaking with came up to the event and talked my ear off...Around midnight we decided to hit Old School Saturdays before going home, and I'm glad I did, cause I met another little cutie there....Went home and allowed the casual speaker to be my cuddle buddy for the night (read folks: CUDDLE ONLY!)

Sunday....got up late as hell, was just lazy all day. Watched Mahogany for the first time, and I actually enjoyed it. The new guy that I met outside my apt was supposed to come by before he left to go out of town, but he didn't. I was bummed for like a millisecond, and then I remembered that I enough new toys to play with to keep me busy. Then JR called me and said that we had to do a project before we did our Sunday night ritual. What was the project? JR and VS had gotten me a balloon that said "We Love You!" and we did the balloon release thing like on Desparate Housewives (remember when Gabby had the miscarriage and the thug guy was like "release your emotions"?) Well, my friends did it to help me get over CB. I was so touched, I started crying...it was so sweet...I really have amazing friends and they went through a lot ( the night before their OP's) to help me release my emotions and get closure. So we did the balloon thing, and I attached a note that I wrote, with all the things I wanted to say to him. And we went outside, and I said a few words, ended with "your some other chick's problem now" and I let it go...And I really LET IT GO...it was so freeing....I got to say what I needed to say, and I went I released the balloon, I really released all that anger, hurt, and pain...And it feels so good to be free.

JR and VS passed their OP's, like I knew they would...I'm so proud of you girls!

2006-05-08T20:39:00.000-04:00

I need love.....

I'm sure you faithful blog readers (all 2 of you) have been wondering these past months why I keep whining about needed love, about wanting to be loved...Well, its simple: I'm lonely as hell, wallowing in my fatgirlness, and just feeling sorry for myself. I get in these ugly depressed moods, like I'm in right now, and I can't see anything positive. Why can't I be one of those people who takes this sadness and turns it into some positive? I'd rather lay in the bed all night and cry...

I need love...someone to cuddle with me, and stroke my hair, and say lovely things in my ear, and to think that I'm beautiful even when I know I'm not...

I miss CB...I just can't let it go....

Dammit I'm mad at myself...

I'm free!

2006-05-03T19:35:00.000-04:00

Today was my last day of the semester, and feels so good to be off the plantation! I don't know why I decided to do all my work at the last minute, but it was hell! Up late every night, up early every morning...I wouldn't have made it if it weren't for those new Tab energy drinks (shameless plug huh?)....

Job is still going well...Had a phone interview on Monday...it was cool, but the job is in VA...not sure I want to move to a college town.

In other exciting news, I got dissed just now by someone that I don't really like...this is so bizarre...there is something clearly wrong with the world when Jubi gets dissed...its supposed to be the other way around...What is going on with my relationship karma?

Somebody leave me some comments with stuff to blog about...

2006-04-30T09:50:00.000-04:00

I missed him so much this morning, I almost started crying....Why am I still feeling this way? Its been about two months since we broke up by default (him disappearing), but I still miss him like crazy. I miss like like crazy...its sick, because he probably left because he thought I didn't care, but the fact that I'm still pining for him after all this time just proves how much I do (read: present tense) care about him. Dammit, why did he have to leave me? Why couldn't he just tell me that he didn't care about me anymore, or that he was unhappy? (and btw, I'm crying right now...I tried to hold it in but I couldn't) I feel like such a chump right now...cause I'm sad and lonely because of a guy who doesn't even want me? How horrible is that? Once again I'm going through finals with my mind on other things, namely, how a guy hurt me and how I cant let it go. Why the hell did he just walk out, instead of telling me first and then walking out? I couldn't have meant much to him if he could leave me, even though he claimed that I meant so much to him...

I'm having a bad day because of this...I'm going to attempt to do schoolwork now...

A revelation...

2006-04-25T20:25:00.000-04:00

So today I got my DVD of our Vagina Monologue performance. I was really excited to see my performance on stage. I loved my performance, but I HATED MY BODY!!!!!

I looked soooooo huge! Which means only one thing: that I look just as huge everyday, even when I think I look cute.

I thought I was ready to lose weight before, but I was always struggling and having relapses (like today, I totally cheated on my diet and had fries)....but not anymore! I'm done! Whenever I want to cheat, all I gotta do is pop in the DVD, and see my hugeness...

No more cheating...no more going for the good taste...

I refuse to be immortalized that huge anymore....

Everyone get ready to see the new, slim Jubi...kiss the fat ass girl goodbye.

2006-04-23T22:46:00.000-04:00

A few folks have been bitchin about the fact that I haven't blogged in a minute...Oh well, you'll keep checking my blog until you see I have a new post...

So I've been really missing the ex-boyfriend, and I have no idea why. Its been about six weeks, why am I still thinking about him? I don't want to keep thinking about him, I really want to move on from that situation.

My mom told me today to stop looking for a man. If that isn't the pot calling the kettle black.

Have I blogged about my new job yet? Its ok so far, really hectic, and I'm running out of business clothes. I think I'll still be looking for a real chem job while I let this pay the bills for now. That's right, I said it, I'll be a job hopper if it means I'll get more money, benefits and a new car...hell yeah I'll be a job hopper.

I'm mad that Grey's Anatomy won't be back until May sweeps. What fucker at ABC thought that strategy up?

My hair is so fabulously red, its really calmed down since when I first got it dyed. And I got a ceramic flat iron at Ulta this weekend, and it was only $10! I love Ulta!

I think I need to leave the state of Georgia. Folks down here are idiots...I saw this woman on tv today who wants Harry Potter books removed from school libraries because "it promotes witchcraft and evil"...I need to be President, cause I would ship all the idiots to Canada and France...I can't stand it.

So there folks, I blogged...happy now?

I'm happy....

2006-04-13T20:24:00.000-04:00

So I should have blogged earlier this week, but I was busy...

I got a job! My new job is 2 minutes from my house, I work in a office of Black women, and I don't have to stand on my feet all day! I'm so excited....I start on Monday, and I think its gonna be a great experience. The new job gave me an excuse to shop, because I needed some new clothes for my new professional job...

So this means I get to keep my fabulous apartment! Aren't you excited? No? That's cause you haven't seen my fabulous apartment. Come on over sometime and check it out.

Did my presentation for Ethics...came out better than I expected, and the debate at the end was less theatrical than I expected...I was really hoping to throw someone out the window, but I didnt get to cause the idiot pro-life folks decided to keep their mouths shut.

I'm ridiculously tired of those stupid immigration rallies and marches...I'm going to hold my own damn march, called the "take yo ass back to your own country" march, and I'mma hold it on May 5th just to piss folks off (get it?)...

I'm still man-less, still waiting for my phone to ring...Someone sent me a text yesterday asking to see the "girls"...The only way he's going to see the girls is if he has X-ray vision.

So I signed up for myspace again...maybe it won't be so bad this time...

I don't have a clever title today....

2006-04-10T00:01:00.000-04:00

So I had some interesting reactions to my last post....Thanks for those who gave me feedback (and those of yall who read it and don't leave comments suck!).

I've been thinking a lot about the ex CB...yeah, the negro who just walked out, couldn't even say bye. Why have I been thinking about him? I don't know...earlier in the week I woke up one day and just couldn't get him off my mind...and I just missed him soooooooooooooooooo much. I don't even know what triggered it, maybe it was realizing that I'm back to sleeping alone, going places unescorted, that made me think about him. And now that I've been thinking about him, I can't get him off my mind. And its making me sadder. I thought I was getting better and getting over him, but I'm not....this is horrible set back.

My friends VS and JR are working on their OP's (original research proposals) and I am so proud of them! I know that they are more than capable of putting together amazing OP's, and that they are going to pass with flying colors! I'm really excited for them, I know how hard they are working. Good knowledge ladies! (Cause they don't need luck, they got this...)

So....I'm back to talking to E again....we have this cyclical relationship, mostly because I never know where I stand with him...He told me that he had feelings for me that he didn't share with me, and I was really surprised. I never thought that he cared, which was a source of my frustration with him. But even though he shared that information, I still don't know where I stand with him. Its like I can never get in the position that I want to be in with him.

I dyed my hair red this weekend...not a rinse, permanently red, and its super cute!

The neo from GT had her probate on Saturday, and the show was great! We were all really proud of her, especially considering it was the first Sigma probate at GT, so we had to represent. The neo held it down, as all ACES do, so I wasn't worried. Thanks to all the folks who came out to see her.

I had an interview on Friday, and I really want this job. I think its going to be offered to me, and I will definately take it. I should hear something on Tuesday at the earliest. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

One of my favorite blogs....

2006-04-02T17:56:00.000-04:00

Ever heard of PostSecret? Its this great blog where people send in secrets on postcards, and they get posted every week. They even made a book out of some of the postcards. I'm addicted to this blog, every week I have to go and read the new cards. Everytime I read it I hope that my secret is there, so that I know that I'm not the only one that feels this way, that I'm not alone, and that I can get through it just like that person did.

I've been toying with the idea of sending in my secrets for a long time now. There's something freeing about admitting something about yourself to the entire world; you release it and the power that it holds over your life. And my secrets have some serious power over my life...in fact, they really rule over my life in a lot of ways. They get me worked up to the point that I get extremely stressed out, and that's not healthy...I have knots in my stomach and I'm anxious and I constantly think about whatever I'm obsessing about...Almost like I have OCD...

So, I've said all this to say that I've decided to release some of my secrets in my blog...sort of like my own personal PostSecret, but without the pretty pictures. I know folks that read my blog, and at first I was worried that I was getting too personal, that folks that know me casually will know super personal stuff about me...but I realized that its not about them, its about me, and allowing my blog to be my sounding board. I've never censored my blog, so why should I start now? So here goes, I'm gonna share some things that have been with me for a very long time....

*I am OBSESSED with finding a job right now....I am desparately afraid of not having a job and getting evicted from my apartment, and having to move home. I'm so obsessed that I spend all my time on job sites sending out my resume, or thinking of new places to submit my resume to, or thinking of companies I should check out. Every day I come home hoping my voicemail light is blinking, but it doesn't cause apparently I'm not cool enough to hire...

*I'm deathly afraid that I'm going to end up alone, with no one to love me. Not one person that thinks that I'm special enough to deserve that affection. I see all these folks in relationships, or at least meeting people, and I wonder, "Why doesn't anyone want to meet me?" I personally think its because I've allowed myself to get fat, which leads me to secret #3....

*I so want to be a thin girl, but I dont have the willpower, mostly because I'm afraid. I'm afraid to be the thin girl that I want to be, because I've held on to my negative self-image for so many years. For so long I was the unattractive girl, and then I got a body and got some attention, which in a lot of ways only fueled my negative self-image. I stuffed my face because I was sad cause I was lonely, and I'm still lonely. But I'm done, or at least I'm trying to be done. I can't walk around this upset overweight girl any longer.

*It took me over 5 years, but I can now admit to myself that I was raped. My freshman year I consented to an act that I didn't want to do, and I consented because I knew that I either had to do it or be hurt...It took Ally training and VM to get me to finally look at the situation and say "I didn't want it, I didn't deserve it". I think this was another thing that was hurting my self-image, and maybe now that I'm dealing with the fact that I was sexually violated, maybe now I'll be able to address some other parts of my self-image.

Ok, I think that's enough confession for one day.

BTW, I love you LK! Thanks for being my friend when I needed you....you're always there, and I love you for that...

Catch-up day....

2006-03-28T20:32:00.000-05:00

I hope that everyone had a good weekend...Mine was interesting to say the least...Made some new friends, saw some old pseudo-friends, found out some info about some random friends, and enjoyed some liquor...good times...Except I had to work, and my feet were NOT happy. I went to Foot Solutions today and put some new shoes on layaway (yeah I said layaway, a girl doesn't get paid until Friday, from both jobs incidently). They have springs in them, which give my feet more support on the concrete. It looks like I'm going to have to work there over the summer, so I will be putting in full-time work, so I will definately need the support on my feet.

This week I rediscovered Esthero...she's a trip-hop artist from Canada, and I'm really digging her. My favorite song right now is "fastlane" from her new album "Wikked Lil Girls"...Pick it up if you get a chance...

The job search is really getting me down...I'm hoping that someone will at least call me soon, just so that I know my resumes are going to an actual person and not out into black pit of the world. There's a big job fair on the 11th which I have already registered ...hopefully I'll be able to find something there. I do not want to spend the summer working at my current job. I mean, I dig it, but I'd rather be doing something that relates to my degree, seeing how that all that money was spent so that I could that degree...

I've been talking to E again...he commented that we go through these cycles, which is true...I think that I'm still afraid of feeling more for him than he will for me. Though he confessed that he was really hurt when he found out that I was sleeping with someone else. I was very surprised, I didn't realize that he cared so much....a part of me wishes that I had known that then, maybe things would have turned out a lot differently. Anyway, we always fall into this comfortable rhythm with each other when we start speaking again...its like we always know the other is there, so we can go about our lives and not worry...

I'm sure someone is waiting for me to comment on the illegal immigration marches. Well, I'm gonna keep it brief. First, I dont' hate all Mexicans anymore. I actually let it go when I was at McDonald's a couple weeks ago, and the server was a young Mexican woman. She was polite, friendly, spoke English well, and it hit me: she's out here working hard at McDonalds to make a better life for herself. She's trying. So I let that anger go. Dont be fooled, I'm still angry at fools who come here illegally, but at least I've let go of the whole group. Anyway, it boggles my mind that folks think they should be allowed to continue to break the law. What are we gonna see next, drug dealers marching in protest of drug laws and the DEA? Wrong is wrong folks, even when the intentions were good. If I were President I'd erect a big ass wall and give the Border Patrol permission to shoot on site...not to kill anyone, but to take out a kneecap or too, and leave them in the desert...folks would get the message.

Alright, someone's gonna get all pissed at the last comment, but who cares? You can blow me...I dont care.

The step show recap.....

2006-03-20T10:02:00.000-05:00

Alright folks, as promised here is the step show recap...This was the Stompin on the Yard show at CAU....

As usual, show got started late, around 8:30, so only 30 minutes late....yay! First up was the Army step team...yes I said it, the ARMY STEP TEAM! What the hell does the army need a step team for? They did some randomness and had the nerve to have a sorority tribute in their show...I was very unhappy cause I hate, hate, HATE sorority tributes!

Next up was the Phi Betas...There was a gang of them on stage too...they wore all white with blue ties...There theme was a bit muddy, something about them being gangstas and then they had these other guys run on stage in black suits at various times like they were the feuding mob...Not a bad show, but in the beginning this poor boy was trying to do the run up the backs and then jump over the last guy thing, but he didn't clear the last one and feel dead on his face...Not pretty. Their sorority tribute was surprisingly entertaining, because they did our "tabletop" stroll, and they were quite humorous...overall it was just an ok show, not a winner.

Next up, the Alphas...they went with a Black Panther type theme, and they were trying to be funny by using some big words that didn't make any sense (think In Living Color)...Overall, it was kinda boring, stepping wasn't as crisp as it could have been, didn't really hold your attention...

Next were the Zetas....definately the funniest point of the night. They came out in these tux shirts that are like halters, blue bowties, blue cumberbunds, sparkly hats and black spandex shorts...And all these chicks had on different shades of pantyhose, so they legs were looking crazy. They came out to "fever" which was waaaay too slow and quiet for the crowd. Folks started talking to each other and the crowd was so loud that you couldn't hear what the chicks was saying...then the drama started: They tried to do a fraternity tribute...They started with a raggedy train, and then when "Atomic Dog" came on and they threw up the hooks, all hell broke loose...The Ques up and left before they had to see their "tribute"! The Zetas tried to hop and and it was not pretty...they couldn't even get they legs up high enough! It was pitiful...So was chatting with the sorors, and then the next thing I remember was hearing that music that they use in movies when someone's going in slow motion, going for the gold (yall know that music)...So anyway, the Zetas are doing some crap in slo-mo about winning the trophy (yeah right) and all of a sudden these actors in the audience start doing it too, only funnier! The stole the Zetas shine while they were on stage...After the crowd managed to focus their attention back on the Zetas, almost all the GDI's had pulled out their keys and were jingling them...and lucky for them, their show was over....it was definately the worst step show performance I've ever seen, not pretty at all...

Next were the AKAs...they did a school/Brittney "Hit me baby one more time" Spears theme...Not bad, but not the greatest either...Really wasn't memorable...just was kinda there...

Next were the Iotas...they were the best of the bunch...I saw their performance when they were practicing, and it was really good, very tight and crisp. The crowd loved them, especially when they did the machetes....Overall a really great performance....

Last were the Deltas, they came out in red and white tennis outfits...Their show wasn't very exciting either, but they were the best out of all the chicks, so I knew they were gonna win...

Overall, much comedy...very funny...but I could have skipped it...I think I'm done with step shows, at least in the south...

Denial: Population 1 (Me)....

2006-03-18T20:31:00.000-05:00

Ok, this post is really hard for me, mostly because I have to admit something to myself...Something that I was trying to not face, mostly because if I didn't face it, then it wasn't true and I could continue on like everything is fine...

So what is this awful truth that I have to face to? My man left me....just up and walked away, no email no phone call no smoke signal...Just left and refused to answer my calls or emails or e-cards...Its like our relationship never existed, though I know it did cause I'm staring at the big ass TV he bought me right now...

So I've been man-less for about 2 weeks now, and I'm just now saying to myself "Jubie, he broke up with you homie, deal with it." Why has it taken so long? Because I never got THE SPEECH. You know that speech, the "its me, not you" or "things just aren't working out" or "I'm not ready to be in a relationship right now"....I didn't get any of that, he just walked out of my apartment one day, and he was really walking out of my life only I didn't know it...So I guess I was hoping that he would walk back in...That maybe he'd say that he was kidnapped by aliens and that's why he didn't answer his phone, or that he somehow broke his hands and his windpipe and was unable to communicate with the outside world, or maybe that he went on a spiritual retreat to get closer to God...basically I needed a reason for his absence from my life since he didn't give me one...

But we've reached the optimism limit...So its time to send him to the Island of Lost Men (my SATC heads know what I'm talking about)...I know its time cause I'm trying to rebound hard...I found myself going through my phone last night wishing that I hadn't cut off all my old stand-by's when I was happy and in a relationship. Another man is the last thing that I need right now. Right now I mostly need to cry, but I can't...Cause I don't have closure...And I don't know if I will have it until I get THE SPEECH...

What perplexes me mostly is the fact that he professed his feelings for me (which he claimed were sooooooo strong) just a week before he walked away...If those feelings were genuine, how could he be able to walk away like that? Without at least a goodbye or a "aye homie, this ain't working out so holla" and throwing me the deuces...I mean really, if you "care" about someone, can you really just walk away like it was nothing? I couldn't, but I guess everyone isn't like me.

Today at work I had visions of myself ending up as an old maid...with no mans (SATC again *wink*)...Maybe everyone isn't destined to have someone in their life...Its so funny, just a few months ago I was talking with JR, and I told her to buck up cause their's someone for everyone, and she told me that maybe some people are meant to be alone...Now look at us, she's got a man and I'm in old maidsville, population 1...This blows and it blows hard...

BTW, I was at the most hilarious step show last night at CAU...I'll have to post a recap tomorrow cause I'm bout to watch Mr. and Mrs. Smith...

Just a little more....yeah, right there...

2006-03-16T17:21:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I know its been a minute since I blogged. So what?

Did I tell you people about Vagina Monologues? It was so great! I really loved being on stage again, seeing all those people so close to me...it was such a rush! All the girls looked great, and the lines where awesome, and the audience really loved it. Friday's show was sold out and it was so packed they had to bring in additional chairs! My mom loved it, and I'm really glad she came down to see the show. It was so funny, at the end of the night she says to me "I didn't know you were a lesbian" (NOTE: I'm not really a lesbian, but my monologue was about a lesbian woman)...And I told that story at work and now half my co-workers think I like chicks...BTW, I met the cutest guy at work today, and he didn't ask me out (insert pout face)...I was really hoping he would but he didn't.

So anyway...I found out that my thesis is due April 10th...I thought I could do it, but now, I don't think I can...I'm still gonna finish it, its just gonna be in the summer and not in the spring...oh well...I tried.

I'm uber-lazy...and look where it got me...

2006-03-08T21:30:00.000-05:00

If you've been reading my blog for a while, you know the most important thing about Jubilance: she's a procrastinator. I'll wait until the 11th hour and then bust my ass to get something done. I'm not one of those people who can start early and work a little bit each day...nope, I can't get any work done until I have some pressure, a deadline...And boy do I have a deadline! I just realized (cause I'm an idiot!) that my thesis has to be completely done and approved by APRIL 10th! That leaves me with 32 days to get off my ass and get some work done. So I've put everyone on alert: they must bug me about my thesis everyday, I have to work on it everyday. IF I end up going to Vegas (and that's a big if considering that my boyfriend isn't speaking to me right now), then I have to do work while I'm in Vegas...by the pool, at the slots, on the strip, at Cirque de Soleil, all of that...I just gotta get it done by April 10th so that my family can come to graduation. If I don't get it done, then I have to wait until August...and I'm not resigning myself to August, because if I do, I WILL NEVER GET IT DONE! I NEED DEADLINES! So everyone, pray for me, send me good thoughts and energy and send me emails asking me if I've worked on my thesis. I won't get it done unless folks bug me about it.

BTW, finale of Project Runway is on, and Santino is sooooo about to win...

And tomorrow night is the first night of Vagina Monologues, and I'm soooooo ready! Yay!!!!

An interesting conversation.

2006-03-02T01:02:00.000-05:00

Today I had a chat with JH...we had a "thing", something I can't define, but it was relatively recent (within the last 6 months). Needless to say, we have both moved on, but we manage to keep it friendly. We had an interesting conversation that yielded some interesting information. First, he likes this chick, we'll call her A, but he only likes her enough to hump her, not quite ready to make that commitment yet. He's also got B, who he's hoping to hump, and he wants her to stick around mostly because she's got money. But should B fall through, A has money as well.

You should have seen my face. I was like "Men are constantly screaming about gold diggers, and here you are being one." I was really suprised. I'd never heard a man admit that they were with a chick for her money and for sex...I think it was the money part that threw me.

In this same conversation, we discussed our "thing" - or at least I tried to. He refused to tell me what he thought of me during our "thing"...which led me to think that either he didn't think anything of me, or he thought something bad and was trying spare my feelings. Either way, I felt a bit cheated, because the stuff he does for both A and B never got done for me. It seems so weird to be a little slighted by things that never happened in the past, but I do. I feel like, "why wasn't I good enough?", which is the source of my insecurity. I always feel like I'm not good enough, like any guy that I'm interested in will think that there is someone better out there for them, better than me, and I'll be left out in the cold.

So I realized just now that I haven't talked about grad school in a while. It still blows. Nothing has really changed, except I spend my time with books and my laptop instead of with chemicals and my lab. Its weird, I was so ready to leave the lab, and now I miss it. I miss coming in at 9 and rolling out at 6 or 7 and being done for the day. Plus, writing papers suck. And...I'm ready to move back to Minnesota. I really miss the U. I found myself reminiscing about my undergrad days at the U, walking across the Washington Ave bridge, Coffman Union, Walter library, Dinkytown, University Village, and all the great places in Minneapolis like Uptown (its not just a Prince song people!), the Mall of America, downtown, late night dinners at Perkins, all that good stuff. I gotta send some emails and see if I can transfer to the U. I'm ready to make that move back to Minnesota. I can't stay here, I need to be out. Atlanta was all good for like the first month, and after that I was ready to leave. I'm ready to head back to the land of 10,000 lakes.

Btw, there will be no more mention of the boyfriend. Don't ask, just go with it.

Take me as I am...its so profound...

2006-02-26T20:42:00.000-05:00

So Mary J. Blige is one of my top 5 favorite artists of all time. No matter what she's singing about, I can relate, because she has the rare ability to infuse her emotions into the song, and those emotions resonate with the listener, and really touches something deep down inside of you. So anyway, when I first got her new CD (which you should go get if you don't have it yet), track number 7 really struck me the minute I heard it. Its called "Take Me As I Am" and the lyrics hit me deep in my soul. Here they are:

[Verse 1:]
She's been down and out
She's been wrote about
She's been talked about, constantly
She's been up and down
She's been pushed around
But they held her down, NYC
She has no regrets
She accepts the past
All these things they
helped make to make she
She's been lost and found
And she's still around
There's a reason for everything

You know I've been holdin on.
Try to make me weak,
But I still stay strong.
Put my life all up in these songs
Jus so you can feel me.

[Chorus:]
So take me as I am,
or have nothing at all.
Just take me as I am,
or have nothing at all.

[Verse 2:]
Now she's older now
Yes, she's wiser now
Can't disguise her now
She don't need
No one tellin her
What to do and say
No one tellin her
Who to be
She's on solid ground
She's been lost and found
Now, she answers to G-O-D
And she's confident
This is not the end
Ask me how I know
Cause she is me.

You know I've been holdin on.
Try to make me weak,
But I still stay strong.
Put my life all up in these songs
Jus so you can feel me.

[Chorus:]
So take me as I am,
or have nothing at all.
Just take me as I am,
or have nothing at all.

[Bridge: 2x]
So it's all or nothing at all,
All or nothing at all
Don't you know I can only be me.
(I can only be me, yeah)

[Chorus:]
So take me as I am,
or have nothing at all.
Just take me as I am,
or have nothing at all.

Take me as I am.
Take me as I am.
Said it's all or nothing at all
Said it's all or nothing at all

Yall, this song really touched me. I mean, I could just FEEL it...because its my life. Too many times folks try to mold us into who they want us to be, instead of accepting and loving people for who they are. We all make mistakes, but the wise person learns from those mistakes. That's me. I know I've done some fucked up stuff in my life, and I've got a Top 10 moments that I'm least proud of, just like everyone else, but I try to take those experiences and build from them. But I'm not gonna be something I'm not, and it took high school for me to learn that. See, I tried to be the person that everyone would like, and I turned into a person that NOBODY liked, including myself. I was sooooo unhappy. I had to wake up one day and say "Fuck it! I'mma be Jubilance, and if no one else likes me, at least I'll like myself". And at the end of the day, I do like and love myself. But I am who I am, and I'm not going to changing unless I feel that I need to. No one is gonna force me to change before I'm ready. So love me or hate me, but love me the way I am or hate me the way I am. No half-Jubilance...you either get the whole package or none at all.

BTW, I got a food and fitness journal today. Its a trip writing down what you did and what you put into your body. I did better on my water intake, but I was in the bathroom all day! I also spent $70 in Target just getting things that I needed...that place is the devil, I'm telling you.

I have a midterm in stats on Wednesday, and I spent all day trying to find ways to avoid studying...but I'm going to have to tomorrow. And I need to work on my monologue really hard this week, only 2 weeks until VM!

I need to have an awards show...

2006-02-22T15:55:00.000-05:00

I need to have an award show, because there are a lot of folks out there that need to be recognized for the stuff they are doing or are involved in. But this ain't your regular, run-of-the-mill awards show...Nope, this is Jubie-style, which my own made up awards...And I think I did a good job.

So first up is The "I don't know what's going on" even though I'm the leader of the "free" world award, and it goes to....GEORGE W. BUSH! *applause*
Georgie gets this award because he gets on tv and says how great this port authority transfer is, but then it comes to light that he didn't even know about the sale! Read it here.

Our second award of the night is the "I'm a jealous and less talented White boy" award, and it goes to Chad Hendricks! *crowd cheers*
Good ol' Chad won this award by being a bitch and criticizing his teammate for deciding to not compete in the team relay race at the Olympics. Way to be a sore loser! Its one thing to hate your teammate and call him a dick behind closed doors, and its another to publicly dismiss and insult the man, and to not even congratulate him when he wins a good medal. Talk about poor sportmanship. BTW, I'mma not gonna give yall the link to that story cause the media keeps hyping it up and I wish they would shut the fuck up about it.

Our third award for the night is the "Too judgemental for my own good" award, and that goes to....The citizens of the state of South Dakota! *wild applause*
You may be wondering why I'm giving an entire state of folks an award. Well that's because the folks in South Dakota are going to be voting soon, not for senators or governor, but on a ban on abortion, except if the mother's health is in danger. There's no exception for victims of rape or incest. Way to go folks, apparently you felt that having only ONE location for a woman to get an abortion was too many, so you had to get rid of it. I hope this means that everyone will be adopting unwanted children and are ok with allocating more funding for childcare and healthcare.

Our final award for the evening is the "Fuck the law! I'm ABOVE the law!" award, and that goes to...you guessed it...Vice President Dick Cheney! *crickets*
Alright, I had to do it. The man goes hunting with no license, shoots a man in the face, gets to selectively call the cops in, no breathalyzer, no statement to the cops until later, no statement to the press until later, and then the stories don't even match? That's gangsta. I mean really, I bet even Georgie boy couldn't get away with that! If you didn't think that Dick was a evil master puppeter, you should now. Its obvious. I'm sure that the government is reading this right now and probably ransacking my apartment, but that's the risk you take.

Thanks for tuning in to my awards show. I'll be doing this periodically, whenever enough way out stuff happens and I have to blog about it.

BTW, the boy and I are cool again...Life is good.

Relationships are....a lot of things...

2006-02-20T18:21:00.000-05:00

So if you've been reading my blog, you would know that I have a boyfriend now (who would have thunk it?), and that things were beautiful and amazing when we first started going out. Everything was new and exciting and we could spend hours discussing everything from politics to culture to sports. We spent all our extra time with each other, spent hours gazing into each others eyes, all that good stuff...

But now, we not there right now, and I don't know what happened. Well, I sort of know what happened. I started school and things started going a little differently. And he got a new position, and things got even more different. Now it seems like when I'm busy he's free and when he's busy I'm free, and we just aren't syncing up unless its 2AM. The stress that both of us are going through is causing our relationship to have stress, and I don't like that.

Add to that my relationship issues, and you can see why I'm not a happy girl right now. If I was a millionaire and didn't have to go to school or work to keep the lights on, I would stay with CB all day and just have fun. But I can't, I have to go to school and work. And I can't concentrate because I'm constantly worried that my boyfriend is angry with me or getting ready to break up with me. And I'm worried that I may be subconciously sabotaging the best relationship I've had in years (and I'm talking 4-5 years here). The thing is, I don't want to sabotage it, I want it to be beautiful and to grow and be something where 50 years from now we look back on our courting stage with smiles on our faces. I'm a little worried that we won't ever get there because we're both so busy and because I'm secretly a jerk on the inside (ok, maybe its not such a secret).

How do you love someone, yet know that you are doing things that hurts the both of you? That's the boat that we both are in. He does stuff I don't like and I do stuff he doesn't like. Where is our relationship going to go from here?

I have a midterm and a quiz tomorrow, a stats assignment due wednesday, a paper due friday, and all I can do is think about how the man I love is slipping through my fingers...Not good.

BTW, grad school still blows, even when you switch to another (seemingly less difficult) program...I should have taken my chances with the lab, at least I wouldn't have exams and papers and crap. Dammit hindsight is always 20/20.

Aight, I know its been a minute...

2006-02-13T21:33:00.000-05:00

But I had a good reason to not blog: I didn't have anything to say. I mean really, I didn't have anything...everytime I sat down at the computer, I had nothing to be angry or hurt or sad about, so I just didn't blog.

So last week I was on my way to my complex's workout center, and when I opened the door and stepped in, the door closed too fast it closed on my left foot, scraping off about 4 layers of skin. It took about 5 seconds for the pain to make its way up to my brain, but when it did, it hurt! It was all bloody and stuff and walking made it worse...every time it tried to heal, I would reinjure it by walking (cause the back of my shoe would keep putting pressure on it). So last night I washed it really well and let it air dry so that it would develop a scab, and then today I went and got some backless shoes. Normally I'm not into backless shoes that aren't heels, but I'm desperate and I need my foot to heal so it won't get gangrenous and have to be chopped off.

I'm enjoying the Olympics so far...good stuff, even though there are like 2 Black people in the whole thing. Exciting stuff, and its making me miss the snow...and speaking of snow, it snowed here this weekend...I had to brush off my car this morning! I havent seen that since I left MI...

I read the newspaper yesterday and proceeded to get upset, but I can't remember anything that I got upset about.

Yesterday was my baby sister's 16th birthday....Sweet 16...It was so great for everyone in my family, because almost 4 years ago the doctors were telling us that we would never see her make it to her 16th birthday. Everytime she makes it to another milestone, we all quietly reflect on her accident and the fact that she could have not made it, and it was truly by the grace and mercy of Allah that she is here with us. So folks, cherish the time you have with your loved ones, let them know you care, and leave the rest up to Allah.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone!

BTW, can someone teach me how to add pics to my entry's? Everyone else's blog is cooler than mine!

Thinking about some experiences...

2006-02-06T20:27:00.000-05:00

So far, Vagina Monologues has been a great experience. And its allowed me to get out some things that have affected me, like dealing with the somewhat abusive relationship that my parents had, and the fact that freshman year I was in a situation where I did something I didn't want to do, but I did it because I figured if I didn't, I would be hurt physically. These thoughts have been with me for a while, but VM is allowing me to actually verbalize these feelings to other people. And its so freeing! At the same time, I realize that a lot of women have had it way worse than I have, and that maybe they haven't been able to verbalize it or share it with anyone. I'm getting really excited about the show, I think it will be really great.

I wanna keep this short and as non-political as I can, since I don't have the energy for that tonight, but I wanna comment on the drama going on in the Middle East with the Danish newspaper. Its been infuriating me that everyone's walking around saying that ALL Muslims are upset and willing to kill people over it. That's simply not true, its a generalization aimed at gettting the 2% of people who don't hate Muslims to finally turn and join the rest of the anti-Muslim world. I'll be the first one to admit, there are a lot of fundamentalist wackos out there who twist the beauty of Islam and use it for their own agenda. But they aren't the entire faith, especially Muslims who are from the West. We aren't brainwashed and we have the freedom to come up with our own interpretations. And we are upset, not only because these folks are making us look bad, but also because they are doing things that are against our religion. I'm not happy about that at all. Do I think the newspaper could have been a bit more religiously sensitive? Yes. But I also believe in free speech, and they have the right to say (or draw) whatever they want. The sad part is that the fanatics are demonstrating the behavior that the cartoon was highlighting. I wish there was a way for me to wear a sign that says "I'm Muslim, but I'm not a fanatic."

BTW, I was a the dollar store and a guy tried to hit on me. He told me it was "my Christian duty" to help him out...If only he knew...I decided to not enlighten him as to avoid the "you're going to hell cause you don't believe in jesus" or "are you a terrorist?" or "why don't you cover your hair?" conversation.

Some Black people need an intervention...

2006-01-31T19:39:00.000-05:00

So today I wanna talk about 3 things, that relate to Black people cause they were the inspiration for this blog entry/rant...Sense of entitlement, what is "being Black" and religion in relationships...you're probably thinking that these things aren't related in any way, but they are.

Let's start with #1: sense of entitlement. Some folks feel like they are allowed to pass judgement on everyone else, strictly because they are a teacher/lawyer/AKA/Delta/OES/NAACP/HBCU alum/PWI alum/brown-eyed/etc....and that shit bothers me! Guess what? 90% of yall don't own anything in your life and the 10% that do own a tiny little piece of something! You can't claim ownership over something like say a large university or an entire corporation or a country...You can only claim ownership over yourself, and most of yall probably don't even own that! Since you don't own anything, you aren't entitled to shit...you gotta struggle and work hard and kiss ass like the rest of us to make to a place that is better than the place you in now...but most of yall negroes are too good to work hard and are too busy looking down your nose because you are Secretary 3 and the rest of the Black chicks are Secretary 2's....GTFOH! I need yall to step up and do better, for real...Get some humbleness about yourself and realize that you don't run a mahfuckin thing, and yo monkey ass don't stop NOBODY'S show...

Now, onto point 2, the definition of Blackness...yeah, i'm still talking to you monkey ass negroes that think you are the end-all, be-all when it comes to Blackness...Yall don't know shit and don't run shit, so why even try? 99% of yall that claim to be so Black are just frontin, and don't know one-tenth (that's 1/10 for you dumb mahfuckers) that I know about my history and my people. Nobody out there can tell me how to be a Black woman. Its just not possible. Most of yall negroes don't know what you are, you just going with what the media and the corporations tell you that Black people do, and you just feed into it. Don't pick up a book, don't sit with your elders to learn those life lessons, don't educate the babies, nothing. Fuck yall! And for those of you who feel like your Blacker than me cause you went to an HBCU, blow me...I don't need to go to a school surrounded by club-hopping, no-class-attending, no-facilities having kids to know that I'm Black and to know my people. You don't have an advantage over me because you went to a HBCU...in fact, you probably are at a bit of disservice, depending on your field...So get off your self-righteous "i'm sooooo much more Black than you" horse.

Aight...that was kinda harsh, and I realize that, but I'm really tired of yall! Get a fucking life! I mean really, do better....please.

Ok, now to #3....religion in relationships. In theory everyone should know what type of person they are and what type of traits are essential for their future mate. Don't be wishy-washy on those traits, especially when it comes to religion, because its such a personal topic for people. Now, there are some folks that can say " I love you, I'll convert to your faith"...and I ain't one of those folks...I know that I cannot and will not sacrifice my personal beliefs for a relationship. Therefore, I share my religious feelings very early, so that there can be no confusion about where I stand. But the worst thing you can do is pretend to be cool with it in the beginning and then not be cool with it later. And yes, I am talking about someone in particular and no its not the boyfriend (he's great btw)...its DW, the negro who came to visit. He's all "I was thinking about us long-term and I really like you but the religious aspect is a breaker for me"...well first of all, you have been dismissed already, cause you was too busy in DC to even call and say, "I'm too busy"...and forgot all about you cause someone else came into my life who really cares...but then to blame the reason why you don't call on my religion...that's a bit low...I mean really, you could have been a man about the whole thing...So anyway folks, I say all that to say, be upfront with your partner(s if you a pimp) if religion is a breaker with you....

Alright, I think I'mma lay down now, cause I'm not feeling well...

And eat doc greens! Best salads in ATL!

2006-01-30T21:32:00.000-05:00

So I woke up this morning with my throat feeling all crazy! Its like I slept weird and pulled a muscle in my neck, cause when I swallow it hurts, but I don't have a sore throat. And it hurts when I rub one side of my neck...I am the queen of pulling weird muscles in my body...what's next? Beyond that, I just felt rundown and sick, so I took a physical health day, and just laid around. And I took my aunt to the airport. We had a good visit, but I was ready to see her go, cause I wanted my bed back.

So the only thing that I went to today was rehearsal for Vagina Monologues. We got to see the space, which is really intimate and seats only 220 people. It'll be interesting acting with people being so close and being able to see me and me being able to see them. I've done it before, in high school but its been a while.

So at rehearsal we watched "Until the Violence Stops" which is a documentary about VM and how its affected women around the world. It gave me such a new perspective about the show. They showed women in Harlem, small town in CA, a reservation in SD, wartime rape victims in the Phillipines and a woman working to end female circumscision in Kenya. Every story really touched me, how this one show, this one group of women saying vagina was able to help so many other women. It was amazing and it moved me to tears. I saw the struggle and how no matter what color, age, geographic location, whatever, women all go through the same struggle. We are trying to learn about ourselves, to learn how to let our voices be heard, and to be brave and strong enough to say "No"...it was so powerful to see so many women, all across the world, working to give a voice to their sisters. I mean, they even did performances in Pakistan and Afghanistan! That really touched me because for a lot of muslimahs, its so hard to speak up, because men give you this song and dance about what the Quran says. Yet the Quran gives us rights, and Allah gave us common sense. Even though I was never molested or abused, I've seen it, and I have issues related to my sexuality because of self-esteem issues. But seeing all these women stand up and tell their story has really touched me and made me feel proud to be a woman and proud to be a part of this show.

Sometimes life sucks....

2006-01-26T15:49:00.000-05:00

Its been an interesting week. First, I couldn't finish my stats homework, mostly because the prof assumes that we've all had stats (which is incorrect) and the book is written like stereo instructions. I think I'll be picking up "Stats for dummies" this weekend. Then my Tuesday sucked cause of the long classes. I was so tired when I got home. Yesterday I skipped out of my night class early, because I needed to clean, but I wound up hanging out with VB...she's a lot of fun, and a really sweet girl.

So my aunt is in town for the weekend...she got here today, and she's hear until Monday! I promised my mother that I would be nice while she was here, so I have to keep my word. I'm also at office hours for my assistantship right now, and its hella boring...Basically I just sit here until one of the students comes to ask me a question about life...what joy.

So, lets quickly discuss world news, shall we?

Al Sharpton is calling for a boycott of "The Boondocks" because of its use of the n-word and also its episode about MLK...I need Sharpton to sit his behind down somewhere...This right here is an example of what's wrong with the Black "leadership"...They are focused on the wrong things, and out of touch with the younger generation. I believe that they need to sit back and allow a new generation of leaders to come forward.

Mexico has decided to hold off on a plan to hand out maps of potential entrances to the US to migrants...but not because its a fucked up thing to do, but because human rights orgs have pointed out that the maps would lead groups like the Minutemen to where the migrants would be crossing (damn, that was a long sentence, I hope that made sense). Mexico has been on my list for a long time (and if you read my blog you know why),but they have hit a whole new level of idiot. Instead of sending all their folks here to use up our resources and crowd our cities, maybe they should work on making conditions better in their own fucking country so that folks wouldn't have to sneak across the border? They are lucky I don't live in the Southwest, cause I'd be joined up with the Minutemen and I'd have Border Patrol on speeddial to intercept them.

Alito's gonna get confirmed, and all hell is gonna break loose...I urge the ladies to find a form of birth control that works for you (other than the rhythm method) and I hope the men get some common sense and start REFUSING some of the offers they receive, or else get used to the idea of paying child support.

Why the hell are yall beating homeless folks?

2006-01-19T19:46:00.000-05:00

Alright, I know everyone saw the footage of that poor homeless man being beaten by 2 guys, or at least heard about it, so I'm not gonna recap. Instead, I wanna have a conversation...What the fuck is wrong wit yall?!?!?! Why on earth would you purposely get a weapon, hop in your car, and drive around to find someone to hurt and/or kill? What purpose does that have? Do you have some pent up anger towards homeless folks? Do you believe in those horrible stereotypes that society and the media have taught you about homeless folks (you know, that they are lazy, stupid, violent, drug addicts, etc.)? And that justifies hurting an unarmed and unaware person? Gethefuckouttaherewitdatbullshit!!!!!!!!

Let me break it down to you....Homeless folks are just like you and me...Some of them have drug problems, some are mentally ill and can't get the help they need, and some are just down on their luck. A lot of folks are working poor, and if you miss a check or get an unexpected bill (car repair, hospital bill, high ass gas bill cause the fuckers are monopolizing the natural gas production in this country) then your ass is out, do not pass Go, do not collect $200! Yeah, there are shelters, but if you are a mother with kids, you can only get into a family shelter, and there aren't many of those around. And there are only so many beds to go around, cause folks will save all the dogs in the world, but won't give a dime to help another HUMAN (and my next rant is for you tree-hugging, animal-loving, people hating fucks out there!). So what do these folks do? They try to find a place to rest their head where their shit won't get stolen and their heads won't get bashed in.

I've seen it...My uncle is homeless, mostly because he is mentally ill, and the drugs take away the voices in his head. Sure, he could live with my grandmother, but then he can't take drugs and then the voices come back. Imagine driving down the street and seeing your brother, your only sibling on the street begging...that's happened to my father, and it breaks my heart. When I lived in Minneapolis, I used to tutor 8th graders that couldn't multiply. You meanasses out there are probably thinking "What's wrong with those schools? Where are the parents? Why can't they make their child do better?" Well, I'll tell ya, its hard to worry about your kids math skills when you don't know where you will be sleeping that night, or where your next meal will come from. Did ya hear what I said? WE GOT KIDS LIVING ON THE GODDAMN STREETS!!!!! We can send buses to pick up dogs from New Orleans, but we can't get babies off the street???? Where's the humanity? Where's the compassion?

I'm saddened by the state of the world today...especially in this country...We can spend billions to bomb another country and "give them freedom" (which really means to kill a bunch of folks and take control of their oil supplies and make a lot of money for companies by "rebuilding") but we can't get folks off the street...We can spend money comparing caged animals to slaves (and ALL yall PETA folks can suck a dick and die!) but we can't help folks get the psychiatric treatment they need...Fucking pitiful America...Im disappointed...

2006-01-19T15:20:00.000-05:00

So I've been wanting to blog all week, but I didn't have anything to talk about...But now I do, so here goes....

Why doesn't anyone in the South know how to drive? It drives me crazy (no pun intended)! The worst is these middle aged White women in their Lexus/BMW/Mercedes/Infiniti trucks that they have NO IDEA how to drive! I swear, its like most clear folks feel like they are the only folks on the road. And you know what else I hate: folks that are getting on the freeway in front of you going about 45 mph (how the hell do you expect to merge on 75 doing 45!?!?), and then you get over to go around them, and they get over in front of you, then you get over again, and they get over again....Dammit, can't you see that I'm trying to leave your slow driving ass behind! I hate hate hate that! If I was a billionaire, I would send everyone in the South back to driving school so that they can start over.

In other news, the Democrats in GA have introduced a bill that would allow the Bible to be taught in an elective class in high schools...Can we say no? I'm tired of all this roundabout finagling to get Christianity taught in schools...its not cool.

Also, Cynthia Tucker (no relation - thank God) of the AJC wrote an editorial Sunday about "thug culture" and hip hop. When I read it, I found myself wondering how a Black woman could write a piece filled with such generalization and stereotypical information. She fails to realize that hiphop and rap are a billion dollar business, and that most of the consumers are White youth. Let's face it, "thug culture" as she calls it sells. If you are a rapper, are you gonna have kumbaya lyrics or are you gonna talk about what sells? Overall, she doesn't give Black folks any credit...like we are just mindless and incapable of listening to rap music and then going about our daily lives...sorry Cynthia, but I can listen to Jay-z and then NOT want to sell drugs, I can listen to Snoop and NOT want to smack a bitch (well, depends on the bitch)...I can be a law-abiding, upstanding, contributing member of society even though I listen to rap. Ugh, step off your self-righteous soapbox and get a clue Cynthia.

I'd like to report that I am totally in love with my boyfriend, and its (and he's) the greatest thing since my iPod...I feel so lucky to be with him and he genuinely makes me happy...I hope I do the same for him...

Oh and btw ladies, DON'T get engaged and then not tell your ls...it kinda hurts...

2006-01-13T18:47:00.000-05:00

So its the end of my first full week in public policy...and its been an interesting week. First, I had to sign over a kidney and my first born child to afford my books, but I took $80 of them bitches back cause my professor said they were optional...And what's the point of me buying books that I don't have to have?

I had lunch with my homie V..I missed her while we were on break! We went and got pedicures and had dinner, which was fun times.

Tonight is my soror's birthday celebration at D&B, and I'm taking the boyfriend...This is the first time for us to be together as a couple in front of the sorors, and I'm kinda excited. I'm sure they will love him.

And now, for your listening pleasure:

Jubilance's favorite songs right now:

* Chris Brown - Yo! (Excuse me miss): I HATE his voice, but I love the song...I need him to go through puberty and holla back when his voice changes.

*Notorious BIG and other randoms - Nasty Girl: Jazzy Pha thought he was slick...He just reused the beat from Angie Stone's "Love it when I love ya" song from a couple years ago...I hope he didn't charge Diddy full price, cause Diddy could have stolen that beat himself.

*Beyonce - Check On It: I didn't like it the first time I heard it, but its grown me...and now its my song.

*Ashanti and randoms - Still On It: See above...

BTW, I've had my satellite radio for a week, and I don't know how to function without it! I strongly suggest that everyone go out and get satellite for themselves, so they can be happy in their cars like I am...

Oh, and I updated my myspace page...though I pretty much hate myspace and I think its lame...I'm strictly a facebook girl...

The end of my school week!

2006-01-11T16:09:00.000-05:00

So this public policy thing is pretty interesting...I have 2 classes each M, T, and W, only office hours on Th, and nothing on F....This is the life! And I don't even start until 1 on MW and 3 on T....So I'm hunting for a job to occupy my time while I'm not in class, cause I could use the money. I paid my rent for 3 months with my financial aid refund, so I could use some cash...

I haven't worked on my thesis at all this week, but I think I'm going to devote Thurs and Fri to writing, so I can send my boss something by Monday.

I took a day off from the boyfriend yesterday and did laundry, which desparately needed to be done. And I cleaned my bedroom. The rest of the house had been clean, but my bedroom needed some work. Normally my room is the messiest part of my house, but I'm trying to work on that for the new year.

Did I mention that I liked the boyfriend? He's great...He's going to meet my sorors on Friday, which should be interesting.

So there is this veiled "barbie"-like doll that is all the rage in the MiddleEast, so I made that my facebook picture...$5 says I'll get a bunch of messages and questions about it...Speaking of facebook, I didn't know folks were reading my profile so hard, cause I got a lot of "who are you in a relationship with?" when I changed my status from single to in a relationship. This facebook thing is powerful.

Things I want to accomplish in 2006

2006-01-08T10:26:00.000-05:00

So I made this list when I was stuck in the airport for 6 hours! I figured I would post it here for posterity and also so someone could call me on it later...NO punking out in '06!

Get fit! Even if I never get back to a size 10, I want to be able to climb 2+ flights of stairs without getting winded.
Get a 3.0 or higher in both semesters. That probably means I wount be as much of a party girl as I would like to be, but school comes first!
Have my tutoring program completely researched and ready to implement by January 2007. I need to develop an outline of things to be done, get some funding, find a school and some students.
Get more organized! Start using a planner again, and go through everything in my house and get rid of excess stuff. I feel like my life is too cluttered and I'm carrying around some excess baggage.
Start looking like a grownup! Stop wearing jeans and a tee everyday and add heels boots, makeup to my routine. EYE know I'm fabulous, now I need to show everyone else.
Read my Quran from start to finish. My Quran has 2034 pages, so that equals about 40 pages per week. I've never read the entire thing and I think its a good first step in my quest to become closer to Allah.
Work on my negativity...Sometimes I can be a very negative person, and that can be very unhealthy. I wan to have a positive outlook on the world and myself.
Take the lessons from ediets.com and truly living a more healthy lifestyle. I want to really incorporate those things into my busy lifestyle.
Gain a leadership position in my sorority. Even if its just serving on a regional/national committee or being a committee head for my chapter, I want to make the connections now, especially since I want to be International Grand Basileus one day.
Look back at 2006 and feel like I'm improved upon myself and the world. I hope to learn some things and teach others as well.

AirTran can blow me!

2006-01-08T10:03:00.000-05:00

So yesterday was the travel day from hell! Let's start the story in chronological order....

So Friday night I totally remembered that I was supposed to hang out with my high school friend LK while I was at home. So I called him up, and he's going to the club in Ann Arbor so we make a breakfast date for Saturday morning before I leave.

Saturday morning rolls around, and the day is ugly...Overcast with that horrible drizzle/misty thing, and there is a lovely sheet of ice on the roads, so I'm like "Fuck!"...So I hope in the camry and proceed to slip slide myself to the restaurant, and I'm thinking the entire way "Damn, living in the south has spoiled me, cause I don't remember how to drive on ice!" I finally make it to the restaurant in 1 piece, we have a lovely breakfast, then I get some gas and head home. By this time, the temp cause risen and its just wet roads, not really icy anymore. By this time, its time to head to Flint so I can make my flight.

We hit the highway around 11:30 am, and its still slippery out. My mom's doing 70, and folks are blowing past her like its a dry road in front of them. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!?! DON'T YOU KNOW THAT YOU CAN'T DO 85 ON THE FUCKING ICE? So we get about 2/3 of the way there, when we see everyone slowing down and flashing lights....We get a little farther, and there's about 4 cars in a ditch, one that has flipped over. We go down a little farther, and they are forcing us off the freeway! We have to go through the country backroads to get to the next exit to get back on, and so we are stuck in bumper to bumper traffic...The clock keeps ticking and I just know I'm not going to make my 1:30 flight. So we finally make it back on the freeway, get to the airport, and in the damn Airtran line are families with like a million little kids. Normally I like kids, but I'm trying to make my flight. So they wouldn't let me on the flight, but they let this other kid on because he checked in at home, which I didn't know you could do if you were checking luggage. So by the time I get up to the man, that flight STILL hasn't boarded (and its 1:42) but they STILL won't let me on! Uggh! So I had to wait 6 fuckin hours in the little ass Flint airport because the next flight wasn't until 8:20! It was sooooo horrible! The guy did manage to upgrade me to business class, and I sat across from a brother and sister, so were so cute, they reminded me of my 2 youngest siblings.

The only good thing that came out of the whole night was seeing C...I missed him so much! We needed the space though...So I get home, and this negro has bought me a new tv and tv stand, and put my old one in my bedroom, and he put up my headboard....And that was soooooo unexpected...I didn't really think he was gonna buy me a tv, and I asked him not to, but he did it anyway...My mom said I should keep him around and be nice to him and I think I will...

Shout out to the governor of Wisconsin for vetoing a bill that would have required doctors to inform women getting an abortion in the 2nd trimester that their fetus could feel pain. The governor said that there is no scientific evidence that fetuses can even feel pain, or when they begin to feel it, and that Republicans want to create scientific facts....Way to stand up to the conservatives buddy! Granted, Wisconsin was on my shit list for not providing emergency contraceptives on any of the UW campuses, but they've redeemed themselves somewhat with this move...Good job!

The visit is coming to an end...

2006-01-06T17:19:00.000-05:00

Its been a fun few days with the family...I wish I could stay longer. This is one of the few visits with the family where I'm NOT ready to go home! I did some shopping today with my mom, sister and aunt, and I got a bunch of cute things. I was happy to spend the time with the family. Tomorrow I have to leave...but I'm happy to be going back to Atlanta...I miss CB (aka the new guy)...he's such a sweetheart, he sent me 2 dozen long stem yellow roses...And I had a smile that was a mile wide! I'm looking forward to seeing him.

Thumbs up to Pat Robertson for continuing to put his big ass foot in his mouth...Hasn't he chewed that leg off by now? Someone should really keep him away from tv cameras, he's obviously has a mental problem.

I received my assignment for the WST center, which is where I will be working for the semester. Seems like its going to be a fun time. I'll be responsible for coordinating mentor/mentee lunches between WST learning community residents and female faculty on campus. I also have to attend WST events, which happen about twice a month...yeah, this is gonna be A LOT easier than working in the lab at all hours of the day. I'm definately liking Public Policy already...oh, and I got my refund from Tech already...chemistry would have had me waiting....Oh yeah, Public Policy is great!

So I'm a lazy broad...

2006-01-04T19:50:00.000-05:00

Because in a week I've managed to write a PARAGRAPH of my thesis! This is not good...but I swear, I'm about to start, just as soon as I stop procrastinating and blogging to avoid writing...

Ok, I think I'm ready now...

Someone send me something to get all fired up about, so I can get angry and blog about it...

Back to Lansing...

2006-01-04T12:00:00.000-05:00

So, I got home yesterday, and it feels so good to be at home! No matter how long I live somewhere else, Lansing will always be home to me...but with the GM plants closing, I can see my town turning into a ghost town...I drove past several abandoned buildings, and I thought "This is Detroit!"...I love this place, but I can see what GM leaving has done to the local economy, and that's sad.

The family is great...I thought it would have been weird coming home post-divorce, but surprisingly it hasn't. The house is still the same, and I have some time to spend here before my mom sells it. I have so many memories in this house, everytime I go into a room I think of all the milestones that I reached in this house...And it makes me kinda sad...At the same time, its so weird because my brother and sister have grown up! My youngest brother has a credit card, and it blew my mind!

Today I did my first check-in for ediets.com, and I lost 4 pounds! YAY! I am so excited! I had a few slipups, but overall I can already see the change in my eating habits, which is great.

I have to register today, and then work on my thesis for a few hours...but right now, its lunchtime!

Another one bites the dust...

2005-12-29T18:39:00.000-05:00

That's right y'all, another year is coming to a close...2005 will be relegated to history books and retrospectives. Was it a good year for you? I've been thinking a lot about how this year has treated me...Well, first I have to be thankful for my health and the fact that I'm still breathing. I had a year of a roof over my head, food to eat, and a way to get the bills paid. And I finally came to the conclusion that PhD chemisty is not where I wanted or needed to be, and I was strong enough to change my destiny, instead of following the path I laid out for myself. I'm happy for the change, and also for the things that I managed to accomplish this year. Romantically, 2005 wasn't exactly what I was looking for, but I do like the new guy...so we'll keep him around for 2006.

So what am I looking forward to in 2006? Well, first I'm striving towards a greater spiritual understanding. I'm excited to be both graduating with my first masters and also starting my second masters. And I've started a new diet (more about that later) so hopefully 2006 will bring with it better health and peace of mind. I'm ready to make some moves and take control of my own destiny (or at least more in control than I am right now)...That includes hustlin more and also getting my extracurricular life in order. I definately want to devote more of my time and energy to my sorority, and also possibly start seriously working on my tutoring idea. I think that my new student org is a great vehicle for us to do that, but I need to start putting my ideas on paper and soliciting feedback from others.

So onto the new diet...I signed up for ediets.com, and I feel really confident about it. Its definately a change from the way that I eat right now, which is what I desparately needed. I like how I have my meals planned for the entire week, so I can hit the grocery store, get everything I need, and be ready to have a healthy week of food. And I love how I can combine cooking at home with prepackaged food (like lean cuisine, healthy choice, etc.) so I don't have to cook all the time. I'm really serious about this, and JR and V have jumped on the bandwagon so that I can be successful. We all went out and got pedometers, and we're going to have challenges to keep us all walking or running to get more fit. I'm excited, and I think that I can actually stick with this one because my friends are helping me.

I like the new guy, we've been hanging out a lot and its been a lot of fun...He's very sweet and charming...very easy to talk to...

So I read this on another blog that I love, It Ain't Safe NOWHERE!
"Her attitude also prompted me to work a lil' harder on myself. I hold on to bad memories like a vice grip. I give people who have wronged me way too much power. That won't just be a 2006 resolution...that'll be a life-long promise to myself. If drama keeps "finding" me, maybe I oughta prompt myself to look a lil' harder in the mirror.

I thought that was good stuff...And she makes a great point...So many people keep harping on "the no good men or women" or "the jackass boss or neighbors", but they never look at themselves. When do you stop and say, "Maybe the problem is me." Self-reflection is a powerful tool, sometimes too powerful. Its hard to look at yourself objectively and point out your own flaws. I know that I have some areas to work on, physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally, and I'm vowing that 2006 will be the year that I erase some of those issues from my life.

Special shout-out to North Dakota, Mississippi, and South Dakota, for being the only 3 states that only have ONE location for an abortion to take place...Great job guys! I hope folks in your states are adopting and allocating more state funding for things like childcare, healthcare, education, and public assistance, seeing as how you guys are trying so hard to increase the populations of your states! Thumbs up guys!

BTW, my ATLians...NYE party at my spot...9 - until I kick yall out...The theme is "see who can get the most drunk by midnight"...Holla at me for directions...

BTW #2, my new favorite songs are as follows:
-Beyonce "Check on it"
-Notorious BIG and other randoms "Nasty Girl"
-Chris Brown "Yo!(Excuse Me Miss)"
-Brooke Valentine "Long As You Come Home"
And I also need that first Joe CD, if anyone has it...That was hot!

Holla at ya girl in '06!

Payday finally!

2005-12-23T17:34:00.000-05:00

Way to get some money! My last paycheck from chemistry...how sad...but I only have a week left and then I'm off to public policy!

So I've spent every night since Tuesday with the new guy...and its been great times...I like him a lot, but I'm a bit worried that I'm rushing it a bit. But I don't feel like I am, I genuinely enjoy his company and I like spending time with him. He makes me laugh, which is very important to me. And he listens to what I say and then stores it in his long-term memory (and even I have a problem with that!) We're hanging out again tonight, and I'm looking forward to it.

Hung out with JR today...we decided to find her a man off CL so that she can have some stories of her own to tell...So far, we have a couple interesting candidates...We also did a little shopping to prepare for our Kwanmas celebration on Sunday. I'm glad JR is my homie, I would have been so lonely being here by myself...

I have to start getting supplies for my NYE party...I'm expecting everyone to be ridiculously drunk by midnight...I hope to have some good stories to tell when the night is over.

Recap of Date Tuesday....

2005-12-21T13:21:00.000-05:00

Aight, so I had two dates yesterday: a coffee date and a dinner date. Let's recap, shall we?

The coffee date was with this older British gentlemen at Starbucks. He didn't buy my coffee (downgrade) and then the conversation was wack. He tried to get to get too personal too soon and plus, his outfit was horrible! He wore this black suit with baby blue pinstripes, a lavender shirt, and a purple spotted tie! (downgrade!) Not the business. So I don't think I'll be giving him a call...what's the point? There was no chemistry...

Onto the dinner date...we met at Red Lobster at 7, and it started out great. Very chilvarious, which I like (upgrade!). Had some immediate chemistry, and he had more to converse about than the weather! We had a GREAT conversation, ranging from wiretapping to universal healthcare to gender roles to abortion...Had a lot of great opinions and really listened to mine, which was refreshing. He made me laugh (upgrade!) and we talked so long that we closed down the restaurant! We headed to get some ice cream because neither one of us wanted the conversation or the night to end. We spent another 2 hours conversing over ice cream sundaes, and while the topics became less serious, the conversation was still amazing. I love those kind of conversations because I love intelligent, thought-provoking men who stimulate my mind. A good conversation is like good sex to me...so fulfilling and stimulating and pleasurable. So after the ice cream, we still didn't want the night to end, so we spent a little time at my spot, before we finally called it a night. A 6 hour date, and it was great! Definately high on my best first dates list...

It was waaaay better than I thought it would be!

2005-12-19T16:12:00.000-05:00

So I just finished my presentation, and it was sooooo much better than I thought it would be! I had 6 pages of notes for 35 slides. Not to mention I went from 12 slides at 3 pm Sunday to 35 slides at 1 pm Monday...I was pretty proud of myself. I was totally expecting the grilling and lots of question, and I got none of that! I felt good...And the boss said it was good, so I was happy! Now the next step...writing the thesis...The boss said that my presentation would be a good outline, and that I should write my thesis based on it. A page a day would be a great pace...I'm so excited, cause now I'm practically at the finish line!

Ok, I'm going to dinner with JR and then its sleep for me!

Damn I'm tired!

2005-12-19T00:41:00.000-05:00

So its ridiculously late, but I can't go to bed yet, because I'm still working on this damn thesis presentation! I did the classic J-move, and procrastinated..."Your presentation isn't due for a week, you can go to the movies" or "You can get some sleep, you'll get up early in the morning and work on it"....Who the hell was I fooling? Only myself, that's who...

I did get some good feedback on where to go with this, and I'm almost finished putting everything on my slides, so now what I need to do is just write out my comments for the presentation...Hopefully I'll be done by 2, and then I'll sleep until 6 and then get up and do last minute touchups...

So I've been watching this Vh1 special "Hip Hop Videos: Sexploitation on the Set" and its been quite thought-provoking. They interviewed video girls, casting directors, artists, and even a groupie or two...all with their own perspective on the amount of T&A in music videos today...

The feminist in me HATES these videos...Its so degrading! In a lot of videos, you barely even see a chicks face, all you see are her breasts or her ass bouncing...so what does that say about her worth to the artist/director/producer/record label/etc.? She's not even good enough to show her face on screen? All she's good for is to bounce her ass and grind on a minimally-talented rapper who's pretending to be well-endowed, both physically and financially? That's not acceptable to me. Why is this woman not worth more in the eyes of all these people who are basically exploiting her?

But I can't go on this rant without being a realist, and the realistic viewpoint is that there are hundreds of chicks lining up to be the one shaking her ass in that next Nelly video. They are willing to be used for their bodies in exchange for a little bit of money (if they get paid), exposure to the viewing world, and maybe get close to an entertainer. As long as there are men with money to bankroll and star in there videos, there will be women lining up to "star" (I use that term loosely) in them. And that saddens me. Why don't these women know that they are worth more? That they can use their minds, instead of their bodies to get where they want to be in life? Why don't they have aspirations beyond getting a little bit of money or having a baby by a celebrity?

I want to see change. I'm tired of seeing pratically naked women on MTV, BET, Vh1, and every other channel every time I turn on the tv. But to create change, there has to be a change in mindset on both sides of the gender fence. There has to be men that step up and say "I refuse to objectify women, specifically Black women, any longer." There has to be women that say "I refuse to allow myself to be objectified." One cannot work, without the support of the other. Both parties have to agree to do better.

Do I think it will happen? Sure, just like I think that tomorrow I'll wake up 50 pounds lighter and 2 inches taller. Its gonna take work and it won't happen overnight. The optimist in me clings to the believe that maybe someone will wake up and realize what effect they are having on Black culture, especially young Black women.